Operation 2009

So I know that the doctor recommended that we wait a month for dating purposes and my mental well being. But I can't wrap my mind around waiting a month to make me feel better. Getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) will be the only thing that accomplishes that on this front. So I am going forward with our last 2009 pregnancy attempt. I should ovulate in the next day or two if history stands true. I have been jumping Jimmy every other day for the past week now. He's mighty happy and loving the end of the year :) Tonight we're up again. Then New Year's if I have not Oed as yet. Two nights ago I'm lighting all the candles and he gets up and starts pouring cereal. He asks me what I'm doing and I tell him that I had planned on seducing my man but he's too busy with his cereal. Luckily he made the right decision. So fingers crossed...and good luck to any other women sexing it up till the end of the year!!

Number 16...

So my little brother and his wife had thier first child. A little boy. Yesterday. I am so excited for him...really and truly I am!! I mean it...I really do :) I can't wait to meet the little booger.

umm...

I'm not even sure what to say. How to start. I guess I just say it. I had a miscarriage. My baby is gone. I was 4 weeks 5 days pregnant and I got to know it for 2 days. 2 days. I got to wake up one morning knowing that there was a baby there before there was no longer a baby there. I was going to tell Jimmy with a cute Knocked Up shirt I ordered forever ago. Instead I got to tell him while I was sweating and shaking on the bathroom floor. I guess I should say that Jimmy had left for work and I started cramping so bad it doubled me over. So I went to the bathroom, thinking I had to go to the bathroom. I sat there thinking I was going to die. I tried standing up and that was not successful so I fell to the ground. I started breaking out in a sweat and shaking. I didn't want to involve him, but I had no choice. So I started yelling out to James who was in watching t.v. waiting to leave for school. So I yelled a few times and he finally heard me. Came to the bedroom and asked me if I had called him. I asked him if he could bring me my phone. As I had sweat dripping off my face he asked me if I had just gotten out of the shower. I was trying to not upset or scare him so I said that I had and asked him again if he could bring me my phone. He asked me why I was sitting on the ground next to the toilet. I told him that I just needed a breather and could he bring me my phone. He asked me if I did that every time. I explained that it was just some times and could he bring me my phone please? So finally he runs to get it and then goes back to the t.v. I call Jimmy and ask him to come back. I tell him that I am sick and need him to take James to school. So he says he'll be back shortly.

I hear him come in but he's chatting with James. I'm screaming HONEY and nothing. I try getting up and I finally hear him coming into the bedroom. So here is the horrible moment I have to tell him that I got a positive pregnancy test, but I think I'm losing the baby. He lies me in bed and takes James to school. The rest of the day was doctor's appointments, internal ultrasounds, several locations to get blood work done. The one test, so they knew my blood type in case I hemorredged and required a blood transfusion was not done at all the offices.

Then I was supposed to get the second Beta test to see if it was a miscarriage or an eptopic pregnancy was supposed to be done at the hospital as the doctor's office said they would be open on Sunday, 48 hours after the first test. So after dropping James off at my ILs and having to tell them why...we get there to be told that thier lab is not open on Sunday. This after I have to walk through the Birthing Center as they share the same door. It all sucked.

Saturday night I went to bed around 11:30 and got up on Sunday morning at 11:48. I was "up" twice before that. But fell right back to sleep and slept until then. I guess I needed it. Jimmy was the sweetest thing ever through it all. Putting up with my insanity and mood swings and tears. He was strong and supportive and sweet. And I love him even more for it. I know it was hard for him too. But he was there for me as he knew I needed it. We did some therapy shopping for the house and he brought me for frequent sundaes at Friendly's. I wasn't always friendly myself. But he brought out my smile as often as he could find it. I swear everything this weekend was pregnant woman and babies. Even Star Trek...really?

Epic fail turns to epic moment...

So yesterday morning I got up and it was CD30 for me. Longer than any cycle before. So I took a cheapie test and I swore I saw a line. But it was so faint and only if I held it the right way in the right light. So I tried taking a picture and failed at that as well. So after succeeding at only making myself late I gave up and put it to the back of my head. Bought a digital test last night. Called DO OVER before bed and started over this morning. My temp was alittle lower than it had been, but I trudged forward and tested anyway. And it came up YES!! I can't believe it. I still don't want to believe my eyes. I haven't told Jimmy yet. I'm waiting till tomorrow night so that James isn't around as I think we should wait a little to tell him and I want to tell him alone. Tonight I have dinner with my sister, Mom and Pop...so tomorrow night it is. It's killing me not telling him and my sister I was talking to and the one I'll see tonight and on and on. I can't believe that I put it on a message board and my blog before anyone else. But it's still so not real!

I have my shirt in the closet that says Knocked Up. So I'll put it on before Jimmy gets home tomorrow and see how long it takes him to realize what it says! I can't wait for him to know!!

House work...

Jimmy and I put in laminate floors this weekend. We are doing all the carpet in the house (all three bedrooms and formal living room as well as hallways) but we started with our bedroom. Mostly because we had just switched James bedroom and set it all up and Jimmy was not psyched about moving all his furniture again. There is a rather large desk in the office that we wanted to avoid for at least a little bit. So here are some pics. The one is the carpet then some of the completed floor. He does such good work :)

Locks of Love

So I cut my hair off and donated it to Locks of Love. I'm so excited that my hair is going to become a wig for some kid. I just love that :) It's a tad shorter than I would have cared for, but it will grow and get to that length and be great. Tonight Jimmy and I are getting a couples massage. I'm so excited. Then tomorrow we start laying our laminate wood floors. Getting rid of all the carpet in the house is going to be awesome. And so much easier to clean. Bonus.


Here's my new cut...the pose is so my sisters could see the watch Jimmy got me...

Vegas....

was PERFECT. Everything I had hoped for and more. After being a brat and Jimmy convincing me that we should get up at 3 a.m. when the alarm went off and head out...the Grand Canyon was amazing. We were there so early it was Jimmy, me, God and the Canyon and I was awe struck.

We did all kinds of walking around the strip. Hit almost all the hotels. Usually just walking through and checking them out. But a couple we explored more.

We saw a wonderful Cirque De Soliel show "O" and it was so incredible. There was so much going on and we could not see it all. I had to pee and there was no intermission. 2 hours and no break. I thought I might die :)

On our last day we stopped at Harrah's and gambled. I started out with $40 and Jimmy watching me play Blackjack. After about a 1/2 hour I convinced him to play too. We enjoyed about 2 more hours and walked away with a $200 profit!! And had so much fun.

Oh well...

woke up to a major temp drop and spotting. So AF is heading my way. Now I just have to cross my fingers that we have the right timing for Vegas...that would be PERFECT :)

Lovely...

weekend...and I woke to cross hairs this morning and good timing :) My aunt, cousin and sister were in town this weekend. So we all went out for drinks. It was very nice. Also had a BBQ at my parent's house. Jimmy surprised me with a new outfit for our night out. I am truly blessed by that man. I don't know how I got so lucky...but I thank God every day I did. It was so great seeing everyone this weekend and playing with them and just enjoying being together. Below is the whole group, Jimmy and I...cheers, and me and two of my sisters. Love them all!!

It's the weekend...

and I am ready to have some fun!! I am finally feeling sort of normal. My pain is minimal and I can move around without wincing and worrying about my every move. My big sis is coming up for the weekend so we are heading out for drinks at this new club on Saturday night. DJ and live bands on different levels. Sounds like fun. Can't wait :) And Jimmy and I decided that we were both going to drink if we wanted and would call a cab if we have to. The twins are watching James at my Ps house...so we are foot loose and fancy free. Watch out world!! Sunday Mom's have a BBQ so my sis can see Pop and everyone some more. Busy weekends always fly by...but I think this one's going to be a good one...

So...

no O yet...but we're stilling chugging right along!! Halloween was fun...James had a blast. The grandparents loved seeing him all dressed up. Too cute...he's getting so big!!

Bow Chicka Bow Wow...

Sunday is 10 DPO...my "normal" O day. So DH bettter hold onto his hat...it's going to get a whole lot nutty!!

Every day stronger...

So, I had my surgery. Tomorrow is 2 weeks. I can't believe it's been that long already. I was so out of it the first few days and then not much better for another week or so. I finally am starting to feel like a human again and considering that I might actually survive this and live on :)

DH was AMAZING. I could not say enough about how truly wonderful he was through it all. Taking care of me and James and the house. I am truly awed by him. And I keep looking at him and thinking of him carrying me to the bathroom or lifting me up for a sip of drink. I didn't think I could love him anymore, but I was wrong. And it made me want to have a baby with him even more. I am really struggling between wanting to give myself time to heal and wanting to jump his bones even though I am in the 2ww. It's been awhile with all this...and we are both feeling it.

So I have a lovely scar on my throat where they sliced me open. Jimmy keeps telling me that it took away my eternal pain so it's worth it and he's right. And honestly, I broke down in tears when Jimmy changed the bandage for the first time. There were still butterfly tape on it holding the wound together. So I couldn't really see what was and wasn't there. But I just broke down. When they removed that tape and I saw it. I didn't cry. I thought I would. I didn't. I guess that means it's better than I had feared. And what more could I ask for?

Now I just have to heal and wait for AF and then watch out DH...it's so on!!

Terrified but relieved...

I met with my nuerosurgeon on Friday and was informed that not only do I need surgery, but I need it immediately. So tomorrow I go under the knife. I have never been cut in surgery before. I had laser in my teens and that was scary enough. This time they are slicing my neck open (that should be a lovely scar :) and going in and removing my damaged vertabrae and putting a metal plate and artificial vertabrae in it's place. I am going to be down for at least a week and might not be able to go back to work for up to 2 weeks. I am terrified on so many levels. And I am vain enough to admit a big part of it is them scarring my throat. The doc said that he will try and put it in one of the natural folds in my neck. And everyone keeps telling me it's not being done in an emergency situation so they can take thier time and do it right. I'm afraid about having a metal plate in my neck. Am I going to set off the detectors wherever I go? I asked my sister that and she laughed at me, I thought it was a legitimate question. I still do :) And it's going to be a lot on Jimmy taking care of me and James. Trying to keep things "normal" for the little guy. Up in the morning, breakfast and t.v. and then off to school. My Mom is helping out picking James up and dropping him and dinner off in the evenings so the boys don't starve while I'm down. I always said I would love a week off in bed, I just didn't anticipate the throat cutting, body part removal in my day dreams. Oh well. The pain will be gone...yippee...but not necessarily the numbness. Doc doesn't think that is related, but he said right now all he can focus on is the more pressing issue of my vertabrae, then we can see what is up with the numbness if it is not a side effect of this issue. Oh yippee. Might go through all this and still have some of the problem. Doc said he realized that the numbness is the more annoying and troublesome for me. But the pain and the vertabrae pushing on my nerve for this long already is all he can worry about. He has no idea why they did the injections on me. Said that the nerve is not being pressed by swelling, which is what they would improve, but by the vertabrea, and only removing it will fix that. So here I am. Putting it in God's hands and looking for the bright spot...as soon as I'm healed, I can start TTC again. So look out DH...it's going to get crazy!!

Thankful Thursday...

I am so stoked that I got to chat with my nephew this morning through Facebook. I saw his name pop up with "how you doing?" and I just got the biggest smile. I chatted with him briefly and smiled and cried through the whole thing. I am so proud of him and I miss him so much and I am so terrified for his deployment coming any time now. He was supposed to come home first for a visit this month, but that has been cancelled. So I am not going to get to talk to him again till he's done with his service time and is home. I am so scared for him. My sister is a wreck, poor thing.

I have my appointment with the surgeon tomorrow. I am terrified that he will tell me I need surgery and terrified that he will tell me I can't have it and just have to live with the pain as it is. I am praying that he will tell me that either way it's okay for me to start TTC and that being pregnant will not change the course of anything. I really do not want to be given a second halt from a second doctor. Please?

I colored my hair a darker brown then I have ever done. Probably what my natural color would be if it weren't so gray already and I let it see the light of day. To say that Jimmy likes it would be an understatement. He keeps looking at it or touching it and telling me how much he really loves it :) I'm glad he's happy with it, I like it too and think I might keep it for awhile. How long is up in the air...DH feels it won't be long, but you never know. He asked me to never go back to blonde...I told him a true red would be the only other option. And there is plenty of time for that in the future. It's hair and it's fun to try different things!

Phantom Symptoms...

bwahaha...and not in a good way. I had never really experienced phantom symptoms. I had always thought those ladies who talked about them were insane. So when I got symptoms this time, I thought for sure that it was for real. But...alas...God has other plans for us :) So I chalk it up to a longer LP :cheers here:: and that my surgeon appointment on Friday will not be complicated by a pregnancy. I have to say, taking those pregnancy tests made this month alittle harder than others. But I have to also say that it's a good step for my body and it means that I will be ready to get pregnant when it's right. Maybe after my surgery so I don't have to go through pain for 9 months with no meds. All for a reason, and all in it's time. I truly put it in God's hands yesterday at church and bright and early this morning he gave me his answer. Not the one I might have wanted. But the one I got. And it's good and I will move, upward and onward. Never straight, always forward!!

11 DPO...

and a stupid BFN. I am more irritated with myself for not waiting longer knowing all the statistics and the chances of a + at 11 DPO. But I had to POAS anyway and bum myself out. And now I have to get to the store and buy another as my temp is still 97.9, I am still bloated all the way down to my vajayjay. I am still nauseaous. I am still tired and irratable (even though I am on my happy pill...OB said it was safe until I got a BFP and then stop). My boobs have not been affected, so maybe that's a bad sign. Or maybe my boobies take awhile to participate. They could be procrastinators. Who knows? I'm making Jimmy go shopping with me tonight and I am going to by me a new pair of black shoes. I deserve something nice and I'm going to make it happen. So there BFN...take that!! And now I guess I will wait till 13 DPO and see what that brings me, as long as my temps continue to be at fever pitch!! Come on temps...you can do it!

Two more...

DPO with high temps. I actually bought a HPT so I would have it if I made it to Saturday with no AF (that's when FF suggests I test). I have short LPs, so making it to 10 DPO at all is a great thing for me. The whole reason I started charting again even though we were supposed to be TTA :) I checked my Knocked Up shirt for DH and made sure I knew were it was. I have had that damn thing sitting on a shelf in my closet for way too long. Putting it on would be amazing!!

I've had my share of symptoms, but only time will if they are phantom or reality. Besides the temp I have been very bloated. I am nauseous every morning. I have very little appetite (won't complain about that one, worst case scenario I lose some weight before AF). And I am going to bed and out like a light much earlier than I usually do. DH complained that I was going in earlier and earlier. I also usually have a horrible sense of smell, and it's been very heightened lately. I'm almost afraid to put this all on "paper" as I don't want to jinx it...

Not sure if I'm going to make it to Saturday but do not want to see a negative test...so I think I'm going to have to force myself to wait. Patience is a virtue...but one that I don't have!!

On a side note. I was talking to James last night and he says to me, "Guess what two people I love the most (knowing the real answer is Daddy and me)?" I respond "Ummmm...Scooby Doo and Popeye" and with the most sweet and angelic face he shouts, "I love chicken pot pie!!" I burst out in the best belly laugh I have had in a long time. He had no idea why that was funny to me, but now he says, "I love chicken pot pie" to try and make me giggle. So freaking cute!!

Second day...

of a temp of 97.9! I was all set to test today, but then the GP ladies reminded me that it might be too early. That accuracy is based on your DPO rather than your scheduled AF arrival. Boo. So now I have to wait till this weekend to test. I guess for now I should be thrilled with my high temps and pray that they continue.

Hmm...

So first I need to correct my own stupidity. I am scheduled to test this Saturday, but my doctor appointment isn't till next Friday. So that actually works out better as I will know if I am in fact pregnant and can throw that into the mix of it all :) Speaking of. I am a little freaked out and excited and terrified all wrapped up in one. In the year that I have been on GP I have charted for 6 months of that time. In that time frame my chart has followed the exact same order. The length of pre O and LP have varied, but my temperature has been extremely consistent in it's pattern. Again it can jump from temp to temp in different patterns, but the overall pattern is the same in that I consistently am in the mid to high 60s pre O and then creep up to eventually hit 97.8 degrees post O. I then start to drop temps till I hit my pre O temps and AF arrives. Every month. This month, I had my same pre O temps and then I started to climb, but stopped at 97.6 and then dropped down to a pre O temp and then came back up to a post O temp and this morning spiked to 97.9, a higher temp than I have ever had. So I finally understand the women who say they obsess over their chart. Mine were always so consistent there was nothing to obsess over. Well, I have now done every analysis of my current vs. past charts. I've done comparisons on my temps vs. pregnant FF women and sex pattern vs. pregnant FF women. It's insanity!! This is the first time in the year I have been doing this that I am actually contemplating purchasing a HPT and peeing on a stick!! WOW...

Jimmy has no control...

and as a result, I am once again in the 2ww that I am not supposed to be in for a little while longer. I swear that man is like a HS boy! FF says our timing was "good". I meet with the nuerologist/surgeon next Friday and FF has my test day as Saturday. It should be interesting to see what the doc has to say about pregnancy and how much it will affect everything. Can I have the surgery if I am in fact pregnant? Will I have to go the entire pregnancy sans my meds and in excruciating pain? I'm not sure I have the strength for that. But I guess time will tell. Much as I desperately want a baby, I just popped a pain pill and know that I probably will not survive 9 months not being able to take that and the muscle relaxer I take daily. Not to mention the diabetic numbness meds I take to alleviate the pin prick pain in the other hand. I'm finally getting used to writing and typing with no feeling in my primary hand. Ask me now and I'll tell you I can't do it...ask me in 5 minutes and I'll tell you that I will do 9 months + of pain for a baby. It's the Gemini in me, or maybe I'm just schizo!

Mimi's doctor...

Several times since all my back issues have come up, my grandfather (Pop) has told me that I should go and see my deceased grandmother (Mimi)'s nuerosurgeon if it ever came to that. I didn't listen to him and sat and waited (I'm in the fourth week and still waiting) for the surgical PA to contact from my Pain Management doctor's service. I called to check on my Pop last week and he once again told me that I would be smart to call her doctor. I asked his name and location. Dr Paine, hmm...should that make me nervous? Tee hee. So, frustrated with the lack of interest from the first doctor's office, I did some research, found out the doc is in my insurance program. So I called my primary (my insurance requires a referral) and left a long, drawn out message for her poor secretary explaining who I was and what I was looking for. 1 hour later my cell phone rings, I'm expecting my primary. It's not, it's Dr. Paine's office. My primary's office is so on the ball that they had already contacted them with the referral and his office is so with it that they immediately contacted me for an appointmnet. Granted I have to wait for October 2nd, which is 3 weeks away and thier first opening. But I have an appointment. Plus, I figure that the surgeon in my PM doctor's service would just take her word for things and do the surgery. Dr. Paine is independent and will do his own analysis and make his own decisions. And that means they won't be slitting my throat if it's not necessary :) Now I just have to wait...again!!

Dreams...

Jimmy had my dream. He told me that he dreamt that I was pregnant. We go to the u/s and they tell us it's twins!! I started giggling so hard that the tech couldn't do her job. She was all set to reprimand me, till she saw his horrified face and started to giggle with me. My dream...Jimmy's nightmare!

I keep telling him that this time will be different; this time he will not be a single Dad. We're doing this together. We've got each other's back in this as in everything in life.

He still looks horrified at the mention of twins, and I still giggle every time :)

Waiting...

I have truly come to believe that life is all about waiting. You are always looking to the next "thing". Be it good or bad. Right now I'm waiting for the Surgical PA to call me. I'm waiting to find out how long I have to wait to have my surgery. Whether it's going to mean a longer TTC break than I had originally thought. I am so disappointed. But I know I need to do what I need to do to make me better. But come on. I am 37 years old!! I don't even know if I can get pregnant because I haven't even really been able to try. I had to get past BCPs, now I'm on hold while my medicine is given a chance to work. Next it's going to be surgery. Waiting to have it, then waiting while I heal. Then...could it be possible? Coule I possible be able to try and bring the biggest dream of my life to fruition? Seriously? I'm going to be allowed to even try and get pregnant. Nothing else is going to get in the way? I am so crossing my fingers for that...it's been WAY too long already. I am not a patient woman, and I swear God loves to taunt me with this lesson time and time again. Okay, I get the message. But I also think it's been beaten to death and it should be time...time to allow for the possibility. Time to bring our own miracle into this world. Time to create life...PLEASE...

Argh...

I got AF after a very short cycle AGAIN. I guess I better start charting more seriously even though we aren't TTc right now, but so I can see if I have concerns with short LPs or where my cycle is going wonky. Okay...back to charting for me. Bought a new pink BBT thermostat. So I am prepared and ready to rumble. Watch out AF, I'm on your ass girl and prepared to get you to tow the line.

Why...

is my family falling apart?? First we get the news that my Dad has prostate cancer. He is now two weeks into his eight week radiation stint. Next on Sunday my sister hears a pop in her back and can not move. Taken to the emergency room by ambulance. Surgery on Tuesday after no feeling in her legs. Wednesday things looked good, she could wiggle her toes and was in very good spirits. Yesterday (Thursday) she takes a turn for the worse. Having trouble breathing, vomitting all food up, violent headache. Checked for blood clots. None found. Issues remain unsolved or diagnosed. No visitors allowed in to see her at all. Not even during the very limited ICU visiting hours. Mom heads down anyway and Michielle and I are heading out today after working partial days. I pray that we can see her. I pray that they find the cause of her discomfort and she can begin to heal. That she is released soon so she can be comfortable at home and see her girls who are too young to go into ICU. I'm sure she's really missing them. I personally now have to have a similar surgery, but on my neck (at the base near back). The numbness is not improving beyond the pin prickles going away. The numbness is there going strong. I am at the point where I can't do buttons or put earring backs on. Too small and I don't have the control over my hand to master it. The pain is back in my left shoulder and arm. It has gotten worse. The PM doctor said that it was a pretty severe case and if the meds didn't work or it got worse, the only remaining option is surgery. I have put in calls to the office to find out (a) what is the name of the surgery they will be doing on me and (b) who they are referring me to. I would like to do research on both for my own (and DH's) peace of mind. But also so they can get the referral into the surgeon's office and I can get on thier books to see him/her. DH asked if me I was going to wait till 2010 as we have a crap load of stuff going on at the end of this year. I told him I would love to, but I don't know if I can live like this much more. It's gone on too long and I'm exhausted and just want to feel better. I don't think it's too much to ask. Unfortunately, since the doctor's office has not returned any of my calls, I may not have a say in the matter. I hate waiting on returned calls, so frustrating. But fingers crossed. And right now, I'm too focused on worrying about Danielle to even think about what is to come...

Cant' wait...

tonight a bunch of my family is getting together for a game night and appetizers. I feel like we get to see each other so infrequently that I am really excited to hang out. I hope that everyone is in a good mood. If they are...it could be an amazing night. One couple fighting or two individuals in bad moods and the whole thing could be a nightmare. I know Jimmy and I will not be the couple fighting and I plan to grin and laugh about anything stupid that my over tense sister might say to me. I started blowing her off about the same time her husband fired her for being a pain in the ass from thier PT job. That should tell you something. But I am remaining optomistic that it's going to be like old times. I can't wait to create more memories with everyone! Since we moved to Florida and some stayed in Illinois and some moved further south in Florida, we don't get together much. So this should be good times. Fingers crossed.

I found this circa 1988 picture of the four girls (that's me on the left!) that will be there tonight with thier families and our parents...

Well Hell...

so I got AF...and at 6 DPO....thought I was past this shiit when BCPs finally left my system. Apparently this is going to be an ongoing issue for me. I can not believe it. I cried for a few minutes as I had convinced myself that my cramps and spotting were inplantation bleeding. Yeah...I know...but I couldn't help myself. So AF was a major disappointment. But then I reminded myself that I was not trying and am not supposed to be KU right now. So it is for the best. Then moped about my short LP phase. Then told myself that it will all work out and finally got on with my life. Back to planning for a Vegas Baby...

So umm...

we were supposed to be TTA. But in the heat of the moment, DH decided to just see if it was meant to be!! Okay. So now I'm in the 2ww that I did not think I would be in for a few more months. Not sure what to think or how to "root" in this situation. Still adjusting to the possibility for now. I'll deal with the results when they come...

James would be thrilled. He asks me DAILY if I am pregnant and if he is going to have a brother or sister soon. I try and get him to understand that even if I was pregnant, there would be 9 more months till he would actually meet the baby. And that I'm not even pregnant. Seven year olds do not understand waiting 9 hours for something...forget the concept of 9 months. Oh well. I'm glad he's so excited about it. I pray that he will continue to be excited once that baby is actually here. Taking attention away from him. Crying in the night when he needs/wants to be sleeping. Sharing. He's been the only child for a LONG time. And not just with Daddy and Mama, but with Nani and Pa as well. He is the only grandchild on Daddy's side at this point. I think he'll do amazing...I pray he'll remain excited...I hope we get to find out!

Finally...

done with the shot procedures. Now I just cross my fingers that when I'm all finished, the pain is gone and I am done for good. Or at least a LONG time. I do have to thank DH for being the most amazing person E.V.E.R. He was there for me every minute the last couple of days and the previous days. If I didn't already love him completely...this would hav cinched it for him...tee hee. I am one lucky girl. He even painted and rearranged our bedroom furniture while I was done and it somehow managed to make the space larger. I don't know how it's possible...but it is and I am loving it. I love the brown we went with on the walls, goes so well with our earth tones we have throughout the house. And it makes the orange in the woodwork really pop. Jimmy wants to keep the armoire red, but I want to do it another fun color. Like orange. Or something along those lines. But I did get permission to bring my hat lamp into the bedroom and I am so excited. DH hates it...but I love it and have missed it. Mom gave us a push to have all our stuff out of thier garage soon. We have been putting it off thinking we would be selling pretty quick and moving into a bigger house where it would fit better...but that isn't happening in this market, so we might as well find spots for them now. So I can enjoy them and Mom can not have them in the way. So I"m getting my piano back...whoop...Jimmy is refinishing it and it's going to be gorgeous...he does such amazing work, I can't wait. And I get my lamp back. And my old dresser that he is going to refinish for the nursery. But we'll find a spot for now :) All these lovelies from my past that I haven't seen in awhile...I can't wait. Have to get rid of a thing or two, but that's okay too. I haven't missed the rocking chair one bit and really want to get a big fat cushy one for the nursery anyway...the wood one was not in my plans. So let's find it a home where it will be loved and cherished, not stacked in a garage collecting dust and being forgotten.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH...

weekends are the best! I just haven't had a procedure free one in awhile. Friday night Jimmy and I headed over to my Ps house for a good-bye dinner for Christopher before he ships off to Germany for 2 years. Everyone was in good spirits, mocking my father and his illness in typical family style. It got old quick, but they all find it necessary. Saturday we headed over for a soup and salad lunch at Olive Garden...yummy...one of our favorites. Then to a couple's massage. Jimmy's girl beat the crap out of him, just like he likes it. My girl had a gentler touch and my relaxation massage was perfect. I was hoping Linda would come live with us :) But no go. Sunday James and I headed up to church for the first time in awhile. Mom and Justin were there, so got to see them again, which is nice. Then home for some house stuff and errands. Ended up at Friendly's for ice cream sundaes. They were nummy. Then home to just chill. Aside from going by WAY too fast...I have not one complaint about this weekend..it was perfect in every way!

The weekend is almost here!!

I have not been looking forward to and ready for a weekend since I don't know when. I am going to dinner at my parent's house to say good-bye to Christopher who is shipping off to his first Army post in Germany. I am so proud of him I can't put it in words. He is doing such amazing things with his life and I am in awe watching! Then tomorrow Jimmy and I are treating ourselves to lunch at Olive Garden and then a couple's massage. Jimmy will have them beat the crap out of his body in a deep tissue massacre while I prefer a lavendar scented relaxation massage. Ahh, I can not wait. I think I might actually go back to church this week. I don't have any procedures for the first time in a month, so there is no reason not to. And I won't be able to next week since it's going to be the last and most painful injection...so no church for me then. We'll have to see. I might be really bad and just be lazy the whole weekend. I'm guessing DH will make me do something this weekend to improve our environment. The slave driver :)

Devastated...

So last night Mom, Michielle and I go to Pop's for dinner like we do every other Tuesday night. I'm in pain and Mom threw her back out and is hardly moving. Michielle has just returned from a week away and is trying to get back in the swing of things. So it was a mellow night. Nice and quiet. As we are wrapping up our game of Golf (I was winning!!) my Dad strolls in. This is unheard of in Tuesday Night Dinners. He sits down and says that he would like to talk to us when we are finished. I say that on that note I believe we are finished. He then tells us that he has been diagnosed with Prostrate cancer. Stage 2 of a very aggressive strand. That it has not matastisized as yet, but that he is at a Level 8, which is too high for several procedures.

I alternate by the minute between saying that I have to remain positive for him to I need my Daddy and he hasn't even met my kids yet! I am trying to remain strong, but just feel so in shock. Was my Mom fighting for years and finally beating Non-Hodgkins Lymphnoma not enough? Was burying Mimi just 2 years ago after her battle with Pancreatic cancer not enough? Was my scare as a girl of 16 who at 37 now still doesn't know if it will have any adverse effects on child bearing not enough? Has my family not been hit between the eyes too many times already? How much more do we have to take?

I will say that we did have two chuckles before we got in our cars to drive, in my case balling, home. First after everything Dad says and tells us, Pop says, "So you have a chance!". We all busted out laughing and Pop got very upset. But it's become the family montra now, "so I have a chance!!". And then as we are pulling away he says to me "No more tears" and "No more crying" to my sister, who tells him "Now go find a bear and tell him he can't shit in the woods, and let me know how that goes for you!". I'm sure she wasnt' trying to be funny...but it made Dad and I laugh...which is taken in any form right now.

Trucking along...

So I've successfully made it through Procedure #2! It was rougher than the first since I was still healing and they reinsert in the wound. It's taking longer to feel good and I'm still in pain from the injection site. But it is definately working, so I will take whatever I have to for that. I am so thrilled to be getting better. I have one more on the 31st and I'm starting physical therapy tonight. Keeping my fingers crossed that there is massage therapy every time as well :)

Jimmy said to me, "I just want your smile back". It made me realize (1) how bad this has been (2) how long it's been going on and (3) how it's affecting him/James as well. I feel bad. Never really thought about #3 realistically. But I should have. Jimmy has been busting his ass to take care of anything I couldn't handle. Also taking care of me 100% when I have the procedures done and for awhile after. Taking on more than usual to help me out. Poor thing.

Well, I think I'm almost me again...not that that's necessarily a good thing...but it's all I've got!

Second time around...

the procedure table. I am off work tomorrow (yippee) because my doc is only available first thing in the morning for my next shot. So it's at 7:15 a.m. Then Jimmy is dropping me off and heading to work. I'm on my own. No driving or pretty much anything for the first 24 hours. But I can do some major sleeping. I know what to expect this time, so I'm alot more calm then the first time. I know I can do it. And it helps...so that is amazing. Now back to today. It's Thursday and that means GP Mama's bellies and GP Babies' faces and I can't wait!! So jealous of both, but my time will come and hopefully thanks to all this...I'll be in fighting shape for it.

Update...

So I had my first shot procedure done and I survived. I have quite a bit of pain from the injection site and I can't tip my chin down towards my chest. But my arm and shoulder and such are absolutely better. So I will take the temporary additional pain for the improvements I already feel. It is amazing. I have my first physical therapy class tonight. I hope they can give me some good work out advise that will allow me to keep in shape, but not injury myself further. The nurse said something about massage therapy as well, so I am keeping my fingers crossing on that. I love me a good massage. Could be the silver lining I have been waiting for :) Friday I am off work to have my second shot procedure done. Dr. V was only available first thing in the morning and I could not come back to work after. I have to rest and let my body heal. They recommend you don't leave your bed/couch for the remainder of the day. You also can't drive for 24 hours because of the sedative. So I will be chilling at home instead. Then I have to wait two weeks for the third and final shot. But it has definately been worth all the anxiety and pain to have the relief I am already experiencing. And it's only going to improve as we move forward. Now I just have to pray that this is it. That this "fixes" the issue and I don't have to do this whole thing again in the future. At least for many, many years...like when the kids are in college or starting to have thier own babies...is that too much to ask for? I think not.

Terrified...

I saw my new Pain Management doctor last night. I really liked her and her staff. So that is good. I think she knew what she is talking about, which is huge. She listened to me and answered my questions, amen!! However, she told me that I will have to have shots in my back on three different occasions. I have my first one this Friday afternoon. Then two next week. The put me under and then they use an xray to shoot the meds straight into my back. DH tells me not to worry, but it's easy for him to say when I'm on the gurney and he's in the waiting room! Anyway...I'm not worried, I'm terrified. Big difference!! Oh well. Positive thoughts...positive thoughts!

&%$# punks...

So I'm leaving for work on Thursday and I get in my car and it looks like DH has been rummaging around looking for something. Then I start to realize that things are missing. So I call the police and they tell me that the entire neighborhood was hit and they will call me later to get my information, but they won't be sending an officer out. I'm so ticked off and irritated. I'm usually OCD about locking my car doors. I think there must be a way they got in. So I lose all things electronic from my car. Then I get in my car this morning and they hit me AGAIN!! I had not replaced anything, so they only got a box that was more sentimental then of value. But it still makes me so angry. At myself and the damn punks. And when I tell DH about it, he gets irritated. Thanks, that helps. I appreciate your support! Happy flipping Monday.

This week...

My little man left for two weeks. I really miss him already and I wouldn't even normally see him during the day as I work. But knowing he isn't going to be there tonight makes me miss him. And it's only Day 1....boo. Tonight heading over the my parent's for dinner to see my visiting brother and his wife as well as my nephew who is home for a month before shipping off to Germany for two years with the Army. Unfortunately SIL picked the same dish Mom just made for my birthday so that is not fun...but I'm sure I'll enjoy it regardless...just would have been nice to have something different. Don't get me wrong, free home cooked meal from Mom...always makes me happy, no matter what it is! Thursday night DH and I are going out with same brother and wife for more personal dinner at this great seafood place with awesome view. DH has to work late on Friday night and then on Saturday. So I'm on my own for 4th of July celebrations. I'm working Friday too...but Saturday will be quiet. I think we're going to try and see the fireworks if DH is not too exhausted from a busy day.

Finally heard from the Pain Management doctor's office. I had told my doctor's office I wanted to go to a different doctor, but I guess they felt I needed to get in soon and this one had the most recent openings. I am going next Tuesday...so I have another week of grinning and bearing it. DH keeps asking me if I am upset with him or depressed. I don't think he understands the pain I am in or how it affects everything I do. Especially since I don't get to not do things that have to be done...even if I am in pain! I have tried doing more with my right hand, but it's not what I'm used to. So I have to "correct" myself all the time and by then I've done it with my left! I'm terrified to go the this new doctor, but am also anxious to go and am praying they can bring me relief and pretty quickly. It's been 2 months and I'm not sure how much more I can handle.

Enough is enough...

::waves white flag:: I give up! I'm done. I hurt so bad and am sick of not feeling well. I'm on Day 4 of pain meds which take the edge off for alittle bit, but make me constipated something fierce. It's horrible. I can't go to save my life. It's painful and nothing I do helps. I've been waiting and waiting for the Pain Management doctor's office to call me to set up an appointment. Doesn't give me a warm fuzzy feeling that they can't even handle contacting me for this long. What are they going to be like to deal with on a regular bases. Doesn't make me happy to think that this is the beginning of another horrible doctor's office and thier useless staff. I worked in a doctor's office. I know what should and can be done to help a patient. We had 1/2 hour to contact a patient when they requested it. FOUR DAYS!! Come on now. Seriously? I don't like this office and I haven't even been there yet. And the possibility of shots in my back...which I've been told is a very distinct possibility does nothing to alleviate my fear and uncomfortableness. My girlfriend tells me this is a good thing, and I'm holding on tight to that thought, praying she is correct and it makes the pain go away without putting me through too much pain to do it!

James...

is turning 7 on Sunday! I can't believe it. He is getting to be alittle man. Not the little baby I first met. It's insanity. Where is the time going and how do I get it back? He's still small enough to snuggle into all the nooks and crannies...I hope that never changes! Jimmy and I decided to take his birthday away from my MIL. She always did a BBQ or cake and something for his birthday. But this year I said I want it. So we are shopping out hearts out tonight getting all the food and supplies and his gift(s). Then tomorrow we are cleaning till we drop. His Mom (my Mom is out of town so she won't be there) will see every little speck you miss...so I can't miss. We also have to make the cake and prep all the food. Marinate the chicken and set up the beans so I just have to turn the slow cooker on Sunday morning when I get up. Decorate the screened porch with streamers and balloons. James asked if he could have those awesome confetti poppers again this year. He loves the sound and the mess. The first year I surprised him with them he had no idea what to do with them. Then when Jimmy cleaned it up and threw the "waste" away, I thought James was going to lose his pants. He was so upset at seeing the confetti and streamers in the garbage. Poor thing. I think he'll handle it better this year :) I cancelled doing something exciting for my birthday to have time and funds to make his day perfect. I can't wait to see his little face!! Love it.

So much fun...

Busch Gardens rocked! We had so much fun. Granted we got trapped by the down pour that lasted for 30 minutes...but even that couldn't drown our fun. There were not alot of people there to begin with...I guess the pending thunderstorms made people weary. We actually had areas that we walked through and were the only people there. It was like being at our own private park and we loved it. Then came the rain and half of the already small group of attendies left as well and it was almost empty. We never waited more than 20 minutes for a ride and my neice kept telling us she had never seen this or done this...alot of times because the wait was normally too long. So that was fun. James' favorite ride was the Roaring Rapids. The big raft that we all went white water rafting down in. I seemed to be the favorite soaking target and nothing could have made James happier. He loved that I got it first and last. It continues to be his favorite part of the day. Momma getting soaked first! The little terror. But we had an amazing time and saw some wonderful animals and were thoroughly exhausted by the end of the day. The kids were asleep before we hit the highway and James didn't wake up till we were putting his jammies on to go to bed. Perfect. But Jimmy owes me big time. He promised me an old fashion photo at Busch Gardens since I was supposed to pick the park and he wanted to go to this park instead. And not only didn't they have this available (I can't blame him for that...) but he also kept putting me off for a "family" photo of all of us, so we never ended up taking one. We have none to show for the day of all of us. We always take a group shot...and now I don't have one...he is so dead! No...I'll just hold it over his head till he makes it up to me...who am I kidding...I won't do a damn thing about it. I'm such a wimp!

Another short week...

Thursday is my birthday. I took off Friday for a lazy day and Jimmy ended up having it off because he worked on Saturday. So we switched our Busch Gardens trip to Friday when it will be less crowded. So excited. I can't wait to get there. Animals, and water rides, and roller coasters (not for me!) and antique photos, and carnival games, and all sorts of fun! Oh my!!

Memorial Day...

I hope everyone had an amazing holiday weekend. I had a nice one. Busy, but nice. My godson graduated on Friday night from HS (the first senior class!) and God let the sun shine for the first time in 10 days for them. Perfect. Then his BBQ party on Saturday. Rain was not as cooperative...but we still could play bags and the kids could swim...so it was a good day.

Monday I alternated between hiding from and catering to two 7 year olds. At the end of the day, I could not hold my tongue any longer and finally corrected his little friend with "I"m sorry, did you mean no thank you?". My own son was more polite towards me then his guest. Manners, when did they stop teaching them to kids? But they had a great day. Jimmy and I moved the coffee table, set up the wii and let them go to town. They had a ball! I love the sound of kids playing and laughing. Nothing better.

Short week this week. And short week next week! Yippee. Jimmy works late duty this week and Saturday...but I just realized that means he'll be off on Friday with me. More fun. It's worth feeling like a single mom for the week to have a long weekend with him next weekend. Or so I say at the moment. Ask me tomorrow morning...

Two week wait...

And not the kind you expect! In two weeks it's my birthday. Then two days later we are off to Busch Gardens to celebrate James and I. His birthday is 10 days after mine. My neice is joining us for this outing so Jimmy has a ride buddy and I don't have to feel guilty for not wanting to go on them with him! And since I was supposed to pick the park this time and let him instead...he promised me an old fashion photo shoot. I can't wait. It's going to be so fun and I have always wanted to do one. Yippee. Love it. So much fun stuff.

Tonight my godson graduates as the first Senior class for his HS (new school) and tomorrow is his graduation party. Should be fun seeing family that I don't get to see often. As well as one or two out of town/staters visiting. Nice.

Somewhere in here Jimmy and I will go on our adult-only date for my birthday. We usually do an "activity" or show or play sort of thing rather than a gift. I decided I wanted to finally do a boat cruise dinner. I had always wanted to do one in Chicago with the amazing scenery and never had someone in my life I wanted to do it with. Jimmy and James and I saw one when we were out for our Mother's Day dinner and it reminded me that I have always wanted to do that. So I'm looking forward to that as well. Not sure when that will fall...I'm guessing the weekend after Busch. But we'll see.

James is leaving us for 10 days again this summer to head up to NC with Nani and Pa to the cabin. I miss him so much when he's gone a day...let alone 10. My little man. House seems to quiet and empty without his little voice. "Hey Momma" "Daddy"...best sounds in the world!

So that means Jimmy and I will be alone for the 4th of July. Hmm. What to do...what to do?

And the medical saga continues...

I swear I am falling apart before my very eyes. So I switched Primary doctors due to some personalities complaints about my previous dr.'s staff. I expected them to care about me as a human and they expected me to call 10 to 12 times and cry before they would do anything. So I switched and went to my meet and greet. Told her about my back and what is going on and that my dr. had me going to a chiropracter for it. No improvement thus far. She told me that after a month I should feel some relief if that was going to work. So go another week or two and then call her if I was not "better". I'm not. In fact, the day of and after the treatments I feel like hell and they are the most painful days of all. So I was getting frustrated. Now I'm waiting to hear back from the imaging facility to set up an MRI. I have convinced myself that it's a tumor or something horrible. I can't even tell Jimmy as he is a think positive kind of guy and would not appreciate me expecting the worst or scariest scenario. He would totally support me, but he thinks I'm a pessimist (I'm actually a realist!) so I don't like to let him see anything that will fuel that belief. So I'm putting it yet again in God's hands and praying that it is something small and minor and easily "fixed" and I can stop having pain and seeing doctors every week and move forward. I feel like I move from one dr. to the next and back again. It's like an ugly dance I don't want to participate in anymore!! Make the music stop...PLEASE!!

Mother's Day...

First I want to say Happy Mother's Day to any Mom's reading this. What a wonderful day to remember the woman/women who made a difference in our lives. I have been blessed with an AMAZING Mom and wouldn't trade her for anything. She is a true gem and I pray that my children will think of me 1/2 as fondly as I think of her!

Jimmy and James are taking me to dinner on Saturday night (I have to pick...never good!) and then Sunday he's actually coming to church with us! My Mom will be thrilled. Then over to IL's to BBQ and see BIL who flew in to surprise MIL...I love seeing him. He's such a sweet and genuine guy. I hope he brings his new girlfriend. I really like her and would like to get to know her better. She a born and raised Long Islander like me...so I think that helps in our connection. But she's also a hugger like me, and my ILs are not...so it's nice to not feel like the only freak.

Have an amazing weekend all. Take care of yourself and each other...tee hee...channeled my inner Jerry Springer!

Jimmy...

IS AMAZING. And I am truly blessed. Period.

Try...REALLY!!

I had an adjustment yesterday, so my back and arm are more painful then usual, that's how the doc said it would work and man was he right. I also have a dentist appointment today. I'm supposed to go to dinner at my Pop's house...but it's his night to cook...which means boxed dinners...blick. And I still haven't spoken to my sister that acted like a jackass on Saturday and screwed the whole morning up before we got it back on track...and she'll be there...either still being a bitch...or acting like nothing ever happened. So to say that I am not looking forward to tonight is an understatement. It means over an hour travel round trip. It means I can't take my meds till later as I won't take them and then drive. Would I be a terrible person if I called in "sick"? I really don't know if I can handle it with a smile. I just want to cry at the thought!

Fun times....

One of my big sisters was in town this past weekend. Her daughters were working a fundraiser for thier mission trip this summer...so she and I did some running around. It was supposed to be three of us...but her twin was being a little douchey...so we dumped her and had a beer (which the few sips I had gave me a real buzz combined with my meds) quickly checked out the local Art Festival and moved on. Had SO much fun together. She's about 2 hours south of me...and I just don't see enough of her. Which is a total shame as she is one of the coolest people. I really enjoy being with her. It's easy and hilarious. She got me hooked on grilled cheese with tomato and bacon and I'm eating my third one since then right now. It was supposed to be few hours of errrands and I ended up being gone for the entire day. But it was great and I'm glad I didn't miss a minute of it. Danielle you rock!! Thanks for making a chore a joy! I love and appreciate you more than you know.

Pathetic...

That's me! So I went to the doctor's in the morning then worked all day. Got home and was exhausted. I had gagged down a small soup at lunch, but the meds make me not hungry at all. So Jimmy asks me if I got the dog food I had said I would pick up on my way home, and I had not. Totally forgot. So I say that I'll head there now and he says he'll do it. So I sit down on the couch and the next thing I have a vague recollection of is James telling me he got a stripe in karate (and me not reacting the way the poor kid needed me to!) and Jimmy asking me if I wanted to take my sweater off. Next time I'm "awake" I'm in bed, fully clothed and Jimmy is getting set up on the couch. Which means that I'm snoring like a bear again. So I get up and go and convince him to get back in bed. I take my meds, which did not want to stay down on an empty stomach and sit down to watch "Home Clean Is Your House", one of my favorite British shows that I DVR. The ladies on there are hillarious. I watch two and then head back to bed. Still feel like I'm in a semi-fog today. Not quite right. I still haven't shown James any true excitement over his karate stripe. Have to make sure I do that when I pick him up at Mom's tonight. Poor thing was so excited and I must have disappointed him. I hate taking medication and not feeling like myself. I hope the doctor can set me right soon. Pain and fog and exhaustion about sum of my last month. I'm more than ready to move on to normal and energized, thank you very much.

Warranty expired...

Isn't that how it works? Your warranty expires and then everything starts falling off or apart. ::raises hand:: I'm there! First this whole eye fiasco that I am still "battling" coming up on a year and it's going beyond that. Till November. 1 year and 4 months of doctors and drops and pills and pictures and on and on. And now my back is whacked. Finally got to see the chiropractor after a month of fighting my primary doctor's office. Had Xrays done and really like the new doc...but he told me that I have a degenerative vertabrae. Doesn't sound good to me! Degenerative...as in continuing to degenerate. More and more over time. And it's got a spur. Oh joy. The fun just keeps on coming. When this all started, it was like a HUGE knot in my left shoulder that was extremely painful. After a couple of days the pain spread into my left arm to about the elbow. Going numb and tingling as well. That continued to get worse each day. So I am in tears two nights ago and Jimmy asks me where it hurts. So I put his fingers on the exact spot and he digs in. Not gently. Not a soft massage, but gets in there. And then I woke up the next day and the back issue is the same, but the pain in my arm was gone. Lovely. So yesterday and this morning it was much, much better. The valium/darvacet cocktail actually took the pain away and I felt psuedo normal. So I get my first electro-shock treatment at the doctor's office and an adjustment. And now the pain is back in my arm. It's like the treatment set me back to before Jimmy helped me. I think he had unpinched something and it's pinched again. I go again on Friday. But I might have to go through hell again and let him try again and see if I can relieve the arm ache/pain till Friday's appointment and mention to the doctor what happened. Not sure if it's part of the process...but if it is...it's a bad part and I don't like it. Feel like I have to hug my arm to me or lift it above my head or it is on fire and numb. Like it feel asleep and I can't get it to wake up. Ah hell...I just want to feel good again.

Of course Jimmy asked me if I'm allowed to get back in the gym. But when the doctor said degenerative (especially since my Mimi had three back surgeries in her life for issues such as this) I kind of went into panic mode and didn't think to ask him any questions. So Friday when I go back I'll ask him about that. If I can at least do the cardio eliptical part, even if the weight lifting isn't okay. Or maybe just not back/shoulder but everything else. Or maybe it will be a good thing. Keep me loose and strong. We'll see what he says. I just know it's another doctor bill and more appointments and for the moment PAIN!! ARRGGHH.

Girlie time...

Can't wait for tomorrow. My Mom and one of my sisters and I are driving down to another sister's house to see her new pad and have lunch and then shop and be girlie. I so miss that. My two BFs live in Maryland so I only see them one weekend each year. Our Fall Funk Fest...and I live for it. This year it might be postponed till March and be more of a Spring Chicken Fest. But it is still too little time to spend with my ladies. So going with my family girlies is so fun. Used to do this all the time when we all lived in Illinois. Head out to lunch and shopping and laughing and being silly. I can't even remember the last time we did it...has to be over 5 years since it would have been before we moved down here. And my three still in Illinois sisters are not going to be there...so it's a little bitter sweet. But I am still giddy about it and can't wait! However, DH needs to stop being so damn happy about his "free" day (no me or James). He jokingly told my sister to make up her spare bedroom and I would head down on Friday instead of leaving early on Saturday...the brat!

Sea World...

ROCKS!! We had the best time. It was the coldest day of the year and they closed all the roller coasters because the wind was so bad. But it was so much fun. I got to feed a sting ray and it was awesome. Nothing like it. We saw the Shamu show and his one splash crested right on our heads, drenching us. I won James two prizes at the carnival game area. He was a little trooper and never complained about being tired or a wait being too long or us not going on something because of the wait. He was an absolute dream. I was a little freaked out walking on the glass aquarium...felt like I would going crashing through. It was a lovely day and I wouldn't change one single thing about it (except the wind!). Now I have Busch Gardens to look forward to in June between my and James' birthdays. Yipee. So fun.

::clears throat::

Tomorrow...tomorrow...I go to Sea World...tomorrow...it's only a daaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

::bows head::
please God let the pain in my back go away so I can enjoy our day
Amen

Can't wait...

Four more days...FOUR!!

So much fun...

Stuff coming up!! Next Tuesday, during James' Spring Break, we are going to Sea World. I think Jimmy and I are as excited or more excited then James. We can't wait. I have never been and am not a huge roller coaster fan, so I'm excited for the animal shows and feeding the animals and all that sort of adventure. They have a roller coaster so Jimmy can get his fix. It's going to be an amazing day. I can't wait. Five more days...FIVE!! Then I get to be a kid again and play and have fun and not think about anything but Sea World and what I want to do next. I love days like that. Hopefully my car won't give us any trouble on the way to Orlando. She's been acting up and we haven't gotten her in to the mechanic....but I'm not going to think about that...I'm thinking about going to Sea World. Did I tell you I'm going to Sea World...in five days? Five days!

On a side note. This TTA thing has been kind of like sliding back into high school. DH is not very good at being told this is a bad time...and I think knowing that we can't fool around makes him want it more. He attacked me the other afternoon as I was getting in the shower! I told him that we should probably wait since he's not a condom fan...he couldn't. I was laughing. Luckily my TTA is not life or death...just recommended. Because he has no self control! And I love it.

Babies all around...

ME!! Between all the exciting news of the regular GP ladies. My cousin just announced that she is expecting her second. So exciting as well. Then there is the drama babies. My co-worker's 20 year old daughter is pregnant. She has a 18 month old with Daddy 1 and is now pregnant with Daddy 2. She just kicked him out for being immature, so she's going to raise two on her own. And then there is my bosses' 21 year old son, who is also a co-worker. He is currently on probation for drugs and announced that his girlfriend of several weeks is 10 weeks pregnant and he can't understand why her father isn't excited! Giggle here...it's okay. This would be announced just days prior to the announcement that he failed a pee test for probation. Sounds like alot of "failed" pee tests in that situation. Insanity. This is the third pregnancy for this boy...two with his previous girlfriend. Both resulting in an ended pregnancy and now this one. I imagine that this one will go to term if that is God's will. Unbelievable. I guess since I won't be getting a BFP for awhile, everyone around me is going to get one instead! Blessings and drama...blessings and drama.

Living vicariously...

I am so excited for all the GP regulars who are coming up KU these past couple of weeks. It's a miracle in some cases and a blessing in all. All these BFPs and Mama Bumps popping up all the time...it takes out some of the sting off TTA and allows me to live through the ladies for awhile and soak up their joy.

::dances around doing the baby butt shake...spins and starts over::

Lovely...

Jimmy and I had an amazing weekend together. James was gone till Sunday, and be both really missed him...but it was fun having that "us" time. Something very rare. And we thoroughly enjoyed it. Jimmy even lounged around in bed with me...UNHEARD of!! But it was fun and relaxing and I loved it. I was lazy almost all day Saturday (I HAD to go food shopping). We drove around all over our town and surrounding towns, going to parks and beaches and walking and enjoying the day and each other. It was perfect. He was perfect. We were perfect. I felt like a teenager with a new boyfriend...when it's all soft and wonderful. I was a bad girl and skipped church so we could have another lazy morning together. The dogs even cooperated and let me sleep in an hour longer than usual before doing the weekend whine. It was heaven...and I am blessed.

It's official...

She's here! So it's CD1 of TTA Cycle #1. I have so many mixed feelings on this. Not sure where I sit at this particular minute, but it doesn't matter because I could totally about face in 5 minutes. I know it's the best thing. I know it's the right thing. I know it sucks. All wrapped up in a pretty ribbon. Now I have to figure out...do I stop blogging for the next 9 months...or do I expand beyond TTC and welcome it into the rest of my life? Interesting.

Marching on...

So, as previously mentioned, I "needed" to get AF this month. So when I got that temp drop this morning to 96.7...and I know AF is right around the corner, it was a good thing...medically. But it still stings. So now....we TTA. Unbelievable. For six to nine months. UNBELIEVABLE. But I guess my vision is worth it. It's important to take care of myself so I can be the best person to care for our children, or so the GP girls tell me. But it still sucks. I don't have to like it. I've accepted it...but I refuse to like it! Sorry, two year old tantrum over. Happy face back on. Marching forward like a good little soldier.

Ugh!

So my cornea specialist wants me to put TTC on the back burner until August. He feels it is paramount that I go back on heavy duty steriods and he doesn't want the cycle interrupted if I were to get KU. So I have to stress through this cycle because I was trying, so if I am, I'm not sure where that puts me. It would be a huge hurdle and the worst possible timing ever. Not that I would not be thrilled, but it could really hurt me in the short and long term. August. AUGUST!!! Seriously? I turn 37 in June. But hey...it's in God's hands. And I trust him.

Oh the irony...

My family always told me that I was too picky when it came to men. But after surviving an abusive relationship in my early twenties...I had no desire to be with someone that wasn't "right". I wanted to be happy...if a relationship brought that wonderful, if not...I was doing fabulous alone. I put in almost 10 years never really getting serious with anyone. However, I was apparently a good luck charm for the men I dated. Of the 10 men I casually dated prior to Jimmy, 9 of them married the woman they met after me. The 10th passed away. Weird huh?

So, when I ran across this...it made perfect sense to me. I now know that it may take some time, since my eggs are apparently just as picky as me. And I guess I just can't blame them!

Funny...

We got a new Pastor at my church. I like him already. He told this joke during his sermon on Sunday and it made me chuckle, so I'm sharing it with you.

Jesus, Peter, Paul and Simon are a foursome on the greens, playing a round of golf. Jesus hits his ball and it soars through the air and lands smack in the water. So Jesus is walking across the water, looking underneath for his ball. Another foursome comes upon them and is shocked. It's not every day that you see a man walking on water at your local golf course. So one of the men turns to Peter and says, "Who does he think he is...Jesus Christ?" And Peter responds, "That's not the problem...he thinks he's Tiger Woods!"

Sliding into stupidity...

So I didn't take my temp the last two mornings. Like I'm going to punish my body for not working the way that I want it to! Hello Jr. High. I'm back! I'm only hurting myself. I'm only deflating the chance of getting pregnant this month. Dumb ass. So it's time to pick my attitude up off the floor, brush it off so that it's new and shiny again, and get back on track. Refocus and remember what I'm working towards. It's amazing, I have wanted this my whole life...and now that I have all the preliminary elements in place and ready to go...I'm going to sabatoge myself. I don't think so. So tomorrow, I'm back in the game. My head is on straight and I am focused. Ready to make Cycle #6 the magic number...and BFP a reality.

Well...

I made it to 12 dpo. So I was successful there. And hopefully that's the first door opening up in me getting KU...elongating my lp phase. It didn't happen this month. I'm onto Month 6. That crucial time for us old hags that waited way too long to get on the baby bandwagon. At this point I'm supposed to contact my doctor. Not doing it. Giving it more time. Decided. I am looking into an OV watch. I think that might help me. So I am constantly scanning eBay for a good deal on one. But soon, I'll just give in and pay what I have to to make it happen. But mostly, for the moment, I'm simply folding my hands, bowing my head, and praying to God that my time is soon. Very, very soon.

Trying to be a "Ray of Sunshine"...

Jimmy always tells me that I'm a pessimist. I think I'm a realist. But that's neither here nor there. He constantly tells me to find the positive. To look for the bright side. So I'm attempting to do this through this TTC process. I have put it in God's hands. It will happen in his time. Just like finding Jimmy. When it's right. So...I made it to 10 dpo...that is tied for the lead at the moment for longest luteal phase. So that in itself is a success. Last month was 6 dpo. I know that 10 or less consistantly is not a good thing. I'm aware of what I need to try to see if I can extend that life. I am crossing my fingers that tomorrow's temps is high for just the simple reason that 11 dpo would be a good sign for my body. It would mean that the short luteal phases could simply be my body continuing to balance itself and bounce back from 18 years of BCP. I can be excited about that. And at the same time, it might open the door to me actually attempting to POAS. My LP was always so short, that I never had the opportunity to think, even for a day, that I might be KU. AF would rear her ugly head way before testing was even a thought...let alone a BFP possibility. So for this moment, right now, I am only crossing my fingers for a longer LP...then I'll work on wrapping my mind around the possibility of actually getting a BFP and being KFU. But I'm not getting ahead of myself...oh...who am I kidding!? The only reason I give a crap about my lp length is in how it affects me getting pregnant. That's what it's all about!

Friday the 13th...

Jimmy and I are heading out for Valentine's Day on Friday the 13th. I find that really fun for some reason. Strange, yes I am. We're going out for his grandmother's 85th birthday on Saturday with his family. Jimmy won't tell me what we are doing...so I'm excited. I love surprises, and he's good at them. So I'm not asking any questions, and it will sure be fun seeing what he has in store for me! I bought him some speciaialty chocolates that he loves, so he'll be thrilled (and yell at me for contributing to his belly)..but he deserves them. It's like getting to celebrate Valentine's Day twice...makes up for all my single years that I had convinced myself I didn't believe in it!

50 random things about me...

1. I am the middle child of 8 children.
2. I have 14 neices and nephews...ranging in age from 21 years old to 6 months old.
3. I met Jimmy on match.com...but am embarassed about it.
4. I love nuts, but can't stand them in my food.
5. Jimmy forces me to try new things, and they usually end up being my favorites.
6. I am obsessed with wedding shows.
7. I truly believed that I would be single my whole life.
8. Prior to meeting Jimmy, I had started researching artificial insemination...I wanted a child even on my own!
9. James calling me "Momma" the first time is right up there with meeting Jimmy on my best days list.
10. I had gotten my nails done every other week since I was 16, but gave it up to save for baby.
11. I love to sleep in and lay in bed on my days off. Bonus if DH caters to me there.
12. Never cooked when I was single, but found out I'm damn good at it when I started cooking nightly for the boys.
13. I had the girliest house when I was single, but secretly love the masculine touches DH brings to my life.
14. I used to poo-poo sushi and now it's my all time favorite.
15. If I drink once a year, that's alot for me.
16. I love to blare my car radio and dance my ass off when I'm out and about.
17. I desperately want to be a SAHM.
18. I know God only gives you what you can handle, but he and I have to talk about his faith.
19. I wanted a little dog, we ended up with two beasts and they could not be more perfect.
20. I never imagined that some of my favorite conversations would be with a 6 year old.
21. I used to be such a night person and now I fall asleep on Jimmy's shoulder most nights.
22. I put love notes in Jimmy's lunch every day.
23. I LOVE heels, I think because I'm a shorty in a tall family. I wear them every day.
24. Sometimes I just stop and smile at my life and how blessed I am.
25. I am obsessed with jewelry, rings in particular. You would think I robbed a jewelry store.
26. I have very little hands. But a big butt.
27. I love singing in church. Whether in choir or just with the congregation.
28. I have four tattoos. Got every one of them with someone of importance (three with family) getting one too. One was drawn by a friend the night before he died.
29. I don't know if I'm more excited to be pregnant or to have a baby.
30. GP is my first message board ever and I can't get enough of it.
31. Some days I feel like I'm not living up to my potential.
32. I'm 36 years old and still don't know what I want to do with my life (vocaton wise).
33. I have eight piercings in my left ear and one in my right. I have my belly button pierced too.
34. I'm hoping one of the side effects to taking PNV is my hair growing longer...I want to hit my lower back (I'm at mid back now).
35. I still miss my Mimi every day even though she's been gone two years now.
36. I think my parents are amazing people and I hope to be half the parent they were.
37. I am thankful for everything I have lived through, good and bad, as they have made me the woman I am today...and I wouldn't change a thing.
38. I work in a converted garage and am the only female in my company.
39. I dropped out of college when I was diagnosed with pre-cancerous cysts on my ovaries. It's my biggest regret in life.
40. I was engaged in my twenties and fled our house in the middle of the night. Taking nothing.
41. I've gotten up and watched the sun rise every Easter since I was 21. New beginnings.
42. My favorite color is yellow.
43. I am a published poet and copyrighted song writer.
44. My favorite food is Sesame Tuna in Kinky Sauce. I could live on it.
45. I try and get Jimmy to give me a massage every day. Most days I'm successful.
46. I love all music except gangsta rap...too angry and techno...not enough words.
47. My adopted sister is useless, but I maintain a relationship for my Mom's sake.
48. My first bra in 5th grade was a size C.
49. I was born with jaundice, dislocated hips and extra intestine.
50. I'm not allowed sugar, and I struggle with it every day.

Losing steam...

So, it's my 5th month TTC. And I am having a hard time getting psyched up for this O cycle. I am running out of fun and inventive ways to seduce DH every other day for a week! And now he's sick...so if he doesn't get over it quickly...we can kiss #5 off and just wait for Cycle 6. Sigh.

Last month really ticked me off. I was put on steriod drops for my eye. The cornea specialist's attempt to try and reduce the scarring in my eye (unsuccessful!). But one of the side effects seemed to be screwing with my temps. They were all over the place so FF kept changing my O as a result and I'm not even sure when/if I did. I just know I went from 6DPO to AF, and that's not good!

I know there are millions of women dealing with this every day. I am not alone. Thebump has made that crystal clear. But that just does not change my frustration. I am at the point now where I have to decide if I should go to a RE for testing. I'm 36 and entering Cycle 6. That is where I am technically supposed to raise my hand and ask for medical assistance. But I personally am not there yet. I think I need more time, trying on our own.

My fear is that the drs. are only going to complicate things and make me more stressed, if that is humanly possible. Which will only make matters worse. Not my objective. So I think that even though they recommend someone of my advanced years should only wait 6 months, I am going to pretend I'm a younger woman and wait the year that is recommended for them.

Maybe I'm nuts. Maybe I'm hurting my chances of having a child on my own. But I just feel like I would be jumping the gun. I know I ovulate. I know that DH works (James is a wonderful daily reminder that any problems will be mine!)...so I think I have to stop...take a deep breathe...and give it more time. All the while cursing the idiot who decided that 35 was a magic number and after you reach it...you become old! Sorry, I don't buy it...and you can't make me!

Boo...

So, my new eye specialist put me on steriod eye drops. They seem to have affected my temps. So FF kept changing my fertile days and my O date. And of course when it finally nails down crosshairs for me, it's the worst possible scenario of all the options. So now my time and FF's timing are not so much in synch. So even though I am only in my two week wait, I feel as bummed out as if I already got AF. So now I have to wait for a month for my next O to even feel like I'm in the game. So frustrating! And at my age, they say to only wait 6 months instead of 1 year if you have not conceived, but are charting and such. But when you know about months like this should not be factored into the equation...what do you do with them. Just not count them?

I know that they say sperm can survive for as long as five days in your system (please little guys, be strong)...so I guess I have to just pray that Jimmy's are extremely long lived and hardy to thrive in this cycle!

And as promised...

My thoughts on adoption. I am so pro-adoption! Go adoption...yippee!! Sorry, got alittle excited there ::reins self in:: I just think it's an amazing gift for everyone involved. I believe it in it general, I know so many people on both sides that have had wonderful experiences and life changing stories involving adoption. And personally, I would adopt even if I don't have TTC problems. I know that my ever vigilant Jimmy will not allow it. He's so fiscally focused, that if we have a child or children of our own...add in James...and Jimmy will say that we won't be able to afford college for all of them, and if you can't put them through college, you should not have them! Or so says Jimmy. So scratch adoption if we don't have any problems.

It's funny. Jimmy and I seemed to discuss almost every area regarding children when we were dating. From already existing ones to what we want in the future in regards to having them. How many, and how soon and so forth. But we never discussed adoption. I guess both of us just assumed that we would have children and adoption would never be an issue.

Then there was a GP poll regarding adoption. So I started thinking about it. I knew my feelings (GO ADOPTION!) but I had no idea how Jimmy felt. I know that he loves children. I know that I love James as if I had given birth to him. And he knows that and cherishes that. So why would he not be okay with it for us, if need be? So I asked him that night. Threw it out there. I had a picture in my head of bringing home a little Lebanese child. Orphaned during the war. And of course my amazing Baby was right there with me!

Every so predictable, stating that IF and only IF we could not have one of our own, he thinks adopting a child is a wonderful idea!

Geminish...

So, like pretty much everything else in my life, from the littles; what color polish should I put on my toes or what dessert should I order...to the biggies; should I quit college when I found out I had cancer? or should I sign up for match.com...I have become very Geminish about TTC.

We have Personality A, we'll call her Ah huh! And then we have Personality B, we'll call her But?

So Ah huh! says...your 36 years old! You can use all the help you can get. As Mom says, your not getting any younger. And you are getting into the baby making game kind of late.

But? says do you really need to know this much about your body and your cycle? Do you really need to know that your days between AF and O can vary, but your Luteal Phase really shouldn't. Do I really need to know what my tempeture is first thing in the morning? BEFORE I'VE EVEN PEED. Nothing should really happen in the a.m. before I'm allowed to pee!

Ah huh! says charting and checking EWCM and temps can only assist you in having your timing down so that you are making the most of each month. Not to mention if/when we have to go to the doctor we will have charts and facts to advise them as to what has been going on.

But? says charting causes stress and they have proven that stress causes fertility problems. How many woman do we personally know that have gotten pregnant as soon as they adopted and stopped putting pressure/stress on themselves about conceiving? Ah, adoption...there is a subject that I feel zero Geminism about. But that's another subject ::makes mental note to make next blog about adoption:: Anyway...back to But? And who says that we need to involve a doctor so soon? I know we're 36 and we need to get moving...but?