Exhausted...

So...I was born with bad hips. They have always been a weak joint for me. When I started IF treatment I was a good 20 lbs. overweight. Then add IF meds and another 25 lbs. Way too much for my frame. Now that I'm pregnant, I have to sleep on my side, i.e. on my hips. They hurt all the time. Last night I kept moving from one position to another trying to take the pressure off my hip. I have a pillow between my legs and one I body hug. I finally got up and slept on the couch where I could sleept with my head elevated and my feet elevated at the same time so I wouldn't get pain in my stomach. But it meant I more napped throughout the night. Not to mention all the sleep I lost trying to fall asleep initially. It sucks. I am not even 3 months along and I am already struggling with this. How am I going to survive the rest of this pregnancy? I have two flatter pillows from my couch that I am going to snag tonight and see if I can place one or both under my hip and see if that takes some of the pressure off. I already sleep on a foam mattress atop our normal mattress. I am starting to panic a little...okay...alot!!

First OB Appointment

So I had my first OB appointment yesterday. Got to hear Hercules' heartbeat. It is the BEST sound ever. Unfortunately the doctor only let me hear it for a milisecond. Not nice Dr. Wolk. So as a result I HAD to order a doppler to hear it all the time. I think Jimmy will get a kick out of it as well and I can not wait for it to arrive!! Like it needs to be in my mailbox when I get home, can't wait. Hurry up!! So I asked doc about coloring my hair. And he said to me, "with all that you have been through to get here...is it really that important to take any chances...you don't look that bad". So I guess I will not be coloring my hair till after I give birth. That should be a lovely mess as it already looks like shit. My poor godson who will forever have pictures of a fat, old, gray haired godmother in his baptism pictures next weekend. Oh well. I guess he is right in his cautionary attitude. Jimmy and I opted out of the down testing. We would never do anything to end the pregnancy anyway, so why take a chance with false positive and worrying and such. I had a downs aunt. My concern with this is the medical issues that come with it. Sadly she passed very young from a hole in her heart. I could care less about the mental issues. I would not love my child any less...I just hate the thought of them not living a long and healthy life. But we are not doing that. Bad part of that is no u/s in a week now. Boo. But what can you do. So my next u/s will be at 18 weeks for an indepth look to see if there are any deformaties or issues that can/need to be addressed while I'm still pregnant. But it's also when we will get to find out the sex. So 7 more weeks till that. I go back in a month for another check up. But doc said that all was as it should be. My cervix was good. The heartbeat was perfect (I could not agree more!!) and everything was right on track for where it should be. So all in all...a very successful visit. Whew. Now...where the hell is my doppler...shouldn't it be here by now? Come on already!!

On a side note...I just had a thought pop in my head. The whole issue of IVF meaning that my child is any less viable then a natural conception child really bothers me. I have a friend who's children can not be baptised in her Catholic church because they are IVF babies. But if you believe as I do that God has his hand in all...then if he really didn't believe that I should have this amazing miracle that is snuggled in right now, then wouldn't he have just made my IVF not work? I mean the odds were all against me. Two eggs, one fertilized and matured. Not very good chances...and yet...miracle of miracles...I got pregnant and have successfully carried this pregnancy further than any that I conceieved naturally!! I'm sorry, but I trully believe that God wants me to have this baby as much as I do. That he put me in the hands of amazing doctors who helped to make this happen. But then...that's just me.

10 weeks

So I made it to double digits. Woot woot :) I also am sharing my first belly pic. I look huge already. I don't think that is normal!!

How far along? 10 weeks 1 day

Weight gain/loss: Unfortunately I had gained almost 25 lbs. from the fertility meds. But I have not gained anything from the pregnancy as yet.

Maternity clothes? I wear a mix of regular and maternity pants and tops

Sleep: I have been waking up alot to pee. Last night I used a pillow between my legs/knees and actually almost made it through the night for the first time since I'm pregnant. I hope it's not just a fluke :) Update: It was a fluke, back to peeing all night last night.

Best moment this week? any moment I'm not sick

Food cravings: I have not had any cravings. I've had things I no longer like as a result of trying to eat them when I feel sick.

What I'm missing: SUSHI...big time!! Jimmy promises me he will bring me rolls in the hospital...although I have to find out if they are okay while I'm nursing.

Gender? I don't know yet...not till August...Jimmy really wants a girl, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him. My Mom keeps saying it's a girl from different "signs", but we'll see. I just want healthy...I'm more excited to see what she/he looks like.

Belly button...in or out? In still

What I'm looking forward to: My first OB appointment next Thursday...and I pray an u/s.

::sigh::

I think that Jimmy and I have fought more in the 2 1/2 months of this pregnancy then we have in the 2 1/2 year prior. Not sure we're going to survive the whole pregnancy. Wouldn't that be ironic?

Fear

I fear so much with this pregnancy/baby. I fear losing the pregnancy. 2 previous miscarriages will do that to a person. And with all we went through for this pregnancy, we would not be able to try again. We would have to move forward in a different direction. I direction I had prayed I would never have to head. I keep hoping at each stage that the fear will lessen on this and I will be more confident in the pregnancy. It still may...but right now...every symptom. I fear it's a bad sign. Every change in a symptom...does it mean that the pregnancy is not viable anymore? Then I fear crazy things like pooping during labor. Or where am I going to be when my water breaks? Will it be the most inappropriate time/place? I'm too afraid to take any meds for my morning sickness (that lasts all day). Too afraid to take any meds at all for that matter. And lastly, after wanting to be a Mom since I was conceived I think...I fear being a bad Mom. I fear not bonding with my baby. Or worse...the baby not bonding with me. That there will just be a disconnect...and I will be devastated. As I've gotten older in life, I have become a less patient person in general. I fear that since I didn't have a child when I was younger and more youthful and full of exuberance...I should not have had one now. That I'm too old for this gig. I have wanted this for so long...I am so terrified of being disappointed in the reality of it. Am I insane, apparently so...but I can not control the fear. I try not to share it with Jimmy as he might not understand after all I put us both through to make this a reality, not feeling simply pure joy. And I am thrilled...do not get me wrong. I am thankful every day that this worked and I am pregnant. I don't even mind the m/s (well, maybe I do when I have it :), the pains and cramps. But the fear is always there..bubbling under the surface of happiness. Just waiting to grab my ankle and rear it's ugly head again. Lurking...always lurking.

Fears

I have so many fears. So many. I fear having a miscarriage. Two in my past make it impossible not to. I fear every change in symptoms. Is a new one good or bad? Does one going away mean that the pregnancy is no longer viable? I fear labor. All the craziness of it. The pain. The pooping. All the silliness of your water breaking, and I know mine will happen at the worst possible moment. I can guarantee it. But I also fear that I will not be a good Mom. I fear that I won't bond with the baby. That I will not feel a closeness to them. That they won't be a closeness to me. I fear...

Weekend Away

So...Jimmy, James and I took off for the weekend. We headed up to Orlando. Hit Epcot on Friday. Had a blast. Rode every ride (I couldn't go on one) except two that were 90 minute waits. But we thoroughly enjoyed the day. James had a cranky episode when he was hungry. But as soon as he got lunch in his tummy, all was good with the world again. He is such a diva when he is hungry. Got to the hotel and there was no pull out bed in our king room. So they switched us to a double queen room. It did the job, but I was really looking forward to stretching out on a king for the two nights. Oh well. Saturday I felt sick off and on, but Jimmy was sweet enough to cover for me. Let me stay in the room and rest for a bit each time. James was in hog heaven at the Water Resort portion of our hotel. They had a ton of water slides and pools and water cannons, etc. He ran himself ragged. It was wonderful to see. Sunday we got up and had our free breakfast as a result of them taking an hour to make a pizza. Then headed home for football. I felt really sick so Jimmy let me bail out and handled it on his own. Even went to the grocery store to food shop for me. Damn, I love that man!! And now I have been on the phone with the hotel for hours...yes I said hours trying to get thier accounting errors corrected. The idiot that screwed up our food order so that we waiting an hour double charged us as well. And there are two "mystery" charges that no one can tell me what they are for or from. I am starting to not be so nice anymore. I am getting really angry and frustrated and it is taking away any pleasure I had staying there. It's bad enough that they take out an "incidental" charge and no one can tell me when it will be returned. Now I have these lovely extra charges and bonus charge. Grrr. They are not going to like me in about 5 minutes. This is absolute insanity!!

8 weeks

So the nauseau has kicked in. I can't even call it morning sickness because it comes ALL day. I know it means that things are as they should be. But it sucks. I hate feeling sick. And I hate forcing myself to eat. But you do what you have to, right? And it will be SO worth it. I am still getting bigger and bigger. I still think there might be a chance that there are twins in there with how soon I am showing and such. But time will tell. Both my sisters that had twins were told they were having a single till much later in thier pregnancy (one only found out 2 weeks before she delivered and only on a fluke :). I just want healthy...but it would make me feel better about how big I am getting. But what can you do? This will be my only shot at this pregnancy gig...so I am trying to enjoy ever aspect of it. We are heading to Epcot and staying in Orlando for Mother's Day weekend. I hope I do okay with it all. We chose Epcot in hopes that there are at least some things I can do while pregnant. Saturday we are hanging at the hotel we booked. It has all kinds of water slides and pools for James and I'm looking forward to just chilling. Not really thrilled about racing back for his football game. I personally think he can miss one week. But on this Jimmy and I differ and it appears that even though it is "my" day I am losing the battle. I think if I made a big stink I might sway him, but is it worth it? I think not. So I will not get that relaxing breakfast and leisurely drive back to relax at home for the day. Maybe pop in at our Mom's to wish them a happy day. We already celebrated with my Mom in Tampa last weekend when so many of us were together to see my neice's wedding dress. But I thought it would still be nice. Now we'll have to see if that works out at all. ::sigh::