Friday, February 27, 2009

Sliding into stupidity...

So I didn't take my temp the last two mornings. Like I'm going to punish my body for not working the way that I want it to! Hello Jr. High. I'm back! I'm only hurting myself. I'm only deflating the chance of getting pregnant this month. Dumb ass. So it's time to pick my attitude up off the floor, brush it off so that it's new and shiny again, and get back on track. Refocus and remember what I'm working towards. It's amazing, I have wanted this my whole life...and now that I have all the preliminary elements in place and ready to go...I'm going to sabatoge myself. I don't think so. So tomorrow, I'm back in the game. My head is on straight and I am focused. Ready to make Cycle #6 the magic number...and BFP a reality.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I made it to 12 dpo. So I was successful there. And hopefully that's the first door opening up in me getting KU...elongating my lp phase. It didn't happen this month. I'm onto Month 6. That crucial time for us old hags that waited way too long to get on the baby bandwagon. At this point I'm supposed to contact my doctor. Not doing it. Giving it more time. Decided. I am looking into an OV watch. I think that might help me. So I am constantly scanning eBay for a good deal on one. But soon, I'll just give in and pay what I have to to make it happen. But mostly, for the moment, I'm simply folding my hands, bowing my head, and praying to God that my time is soon. Very, very soon.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Trying to be a "Ray of Sunshine"...

Jimmy always tells me that I'm a pessimist. I think I'm a realist. But that's neither here nor there. He constantly tells me to find the positive. To look for the bright side. So I'm attempting to do this through this TTC process. I have put it in God's hands. It will happen in his time. Just like finding Jimmy. When it's right. So...I made it to 10 dpo...that is tied for the lead at the moment for longest luteal phase. So that in itself is a success. Last month was 6 dpo. I know that 10 or less consistantly is not a good thing. I'm aware of what I need to try to see if I can extend that life. I am crossing my fingers that tomorrow's temps is high for just the simple reason that 11 dpo would be a good sign for my body. It would mean that the short luteal phases could simply be my body continuing to balance itself and bounce back from 18 years of BCP. I can be excited about that. And at the same time, it might open the door to me actually attempting to POAS. My LP was always so short, that I never had the opportunity to think, even for a day, that I might be KU. AF would rear her ugly head way before testing was even a thought...let alone a BFP possibility. So for this moment, right now, I am only crossing my fingers for a longer LP...then I'll work on wrapping my mind around the possibility of actually getting a BFP and being KFU. But I'm not getting ahead of myself...oh...who am I kidding!? The only reason I give a crap about my lp length is in how it affects me getting pregnant. That's what it's all about!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Friday the 13th...

Jimmy and I are heading out for Valentine's Day on Friday the 13th. I find that really fun for some reason. Strange, yes I am. We're going out for his grandmother's 85th birthday on Saturday with his family. Jimmy won't tell me what we are I'm excited. I love surprises, and he's good at them. So I'm not asking any questions, and it will sure be fun seeing what he has in store for me! I bought him some speciaialty chocolates that he loves, so he'll be thrilled (and yell at me for contributing to his belly)..but he deserves them. It's like getting to celebrate Valentine's Day twice...makes up for all my single years that I had convinced myself I didn't believe in it!

Friday, February 6, 2009

50 random things about me...

1. I am the middle child of 8 children.
2. I have 14 neices and nephews...ranging in age from 21 years old to 6 months old.
3. I met Jimmy on am embarassed about it.
4. I love nuts, but can't stand them in my food.
5. Jimmy forces me to try new things, and they usually end up being my favorites.
6. I am obsessed with wedding shows.
7. I truly believed that I would be single my whole life.
8. Prior to meeting Jimmy, I had started researching artificial insemination...I wanted a child even on my own!
9. James calling me "Momma" the first time is right up there with meeting Jimmy on my best days list.
10. I had gotten my nails done every other week since I was 16, but gave it up to save for baby.
11. I love to sleep in and lay in bed on my days off. Bonus if DH caters to me there.
12. Never cooked when I was single, but found out I'm damn good at it when I started cooking nightly for the boys.
13. I had the girliest house when I was single, but secretly love the masculine touches DH brings to my life.
14. I used to poo-poo sushi and now it's my all time favorite.
15. If I drink once a year, that's alot for me.
16. I love to blare my car radio and dance my ass off when I'm out and about.
17. I desperately want to be a SAHM.
18. I know God only gives you what you can handle, but he and I have to talk about his faith.
19. I wanted a little dog, we ended up with two beasts and they could not be more perfect.
20. I never imagined that some of my favorite conversations would be with a 6 year old.
21. I used to be such a night person and now I fall asleep on Jimmy's shoulder most nights.
22. I put love notes in Jimmy's lunch every day.
23. I LOVE heels, I think because I'm a shorty in a tall family. I wear them every day.
24. Sometimes I just stop and smile at my life and how blessed I am.
25. I am obsessed with jewelry, rings in particular. You would think I robbed a jewelry store.
26. I have very little hands. But a big butt.
27. I love singing in church. Whether in choir or just with the congregation.
28. I have four tattoos. Got every one of them with someone of importance (three with family) getting one too. One was drawn by a friend the night before he died.
29. I don't know if I'm more excited to be pregnant or to have a baby.
30. GP is my first message board ever and I can't get enough of it.
31. Some days I feel like I'm not living up to my potential.
32. I'm 36 years old and still don't know what I want to do with my life (vocaton wise).
33. I have eight piercings in my left ear and one in my right. I have my belly button pierced too.
34. I'm hoping one of the side effects to taking PNV is my hair growing longer...I want to hit my lower back (I'm at mid back now).
35. I still miss my Mimi every day even though she's been gone two years now.
36. I think my parents are amazing people and I hope to be half the parent they were.
37. I am thankful for everything I have lived through, good and bad, as they have made me the woman I am today...and I wouldn't change a thing.
38. I work in a converted garage and am the only female in my company.
39. I dropped out of college when I was diagnosed with pre-cancerous cysts on my ovaries. It's my biggest regret in life.
40. I was engaged in my twenties and fled our house in the middle of the night. Taking nothing.
41. I've gotten up and watched the sun rise every Easter since I was 21. New beginnings.
42. My favorite color is yellow.
43. I am a published poet and copyrighted song writer.
44. My favorite food is Sesame Tuna in Kinky Sauce. I could live on it.
45. I try and get Jimmy to give me a massage every day. Most days I'm successful.
46. I love all music except gangsta rap...too angry and techno...not enough words.
47. My adopted sister is useless, but I maintain a relationship for my Mom's sake.
48. My first bra in 5th grade was a size C.
49. I was born with jaundice, dislocated hips and extra intestine.
50. I'm not allowed sugar, and I struggle with it every day.

Losing steam...

So, it's my 5th month TTC. And I am having a hard time getting psyched up for this O cycle. I am running out of fun and inventive ways to seduce DH every other day for a week! And now he's if he doesn't get over it quickly...we can kiss #5 off and just wait for Cycle 6. Sigh.

Last month really ticked me off. I was put on steriod drops for my eye. The cornea specialist's attempt to try and reduce the scarring in my eye (unsuccessful!). But one of the side effects seemed to be screwing with my temps. They were all over the place so FF kept changing my O as a result and I'm not even sure when/if I did. I just know I went from 6DPO to AF, and that's not good!

I know there are millions of women dealing with this every day. I am not alone. Thebump has made that crystal clear. But that just does not change my frustration. I am at the point now where I have to decide if I should go to a RE for testing. I'm 36 and entering Cycle 6. That is where I am technically supposed to raise my hand and ask for medical assistance. But I personally am not there yet. I think I need more time, trying on our own.

My fear is that the drs. are only going to complicate things and make me more stressed, if that is humanly possible. Which will only make matters worse. Not my objective. So I think that even though they recommend someone of my advanced years should only wait 6 months, I am going to pretend I'm a younger woman and wait the year that is recommended for them.

Maybe I'm nuts. Maybe I'm hurting my chances of having a child on my own. But I just feel like I would be jumping the gun. I know I ovulate. I know that DH works (James is a wonderful daily reminder that any problems will be mine!) I think I have to stop...take a deep breathe...and give it more time. All the while cursing the idiot who decided that 35 was a magic number and after you reach become old! Sorry, I don't buy it...and you can't make me!