26 Weeks

How far along? Week 26 :)

Next appointment? I have my OB on the 19th and my next u/s on the 21st...can't wait to see his gorgeous face again. And they say at this point his face is as it will look at birth...hope I get a good look at it!

Weight gain? I have gained 12 lbs. last weigh in from my pregnancy. But I had already gained almost 30 from the fertility meds...so...

Stretch marks? Not a one yet...keep it up skin!!

Sleep? Same as it's been. I pee around 3 - 4 times a night...but fall right back to sleep thank God

Best moment this week? I still love feeling him kick and just sitting and watching my stomach move from him exploring his space. It amazes me every time!! James and Jimmy have both gotten to experience it as well.

Food cravings? I still have not had a single craving...does that make me totally strange?

Odd pregnancy moment? Hmm...

Gender? We are having an absolutely perfect little boy...Asher Robert <3

Belly button...in or out? Still in...shallow, but definately in

Movement? All the time now and I could not love anything more!!

What I miss? I miss sushi...I've had psuedo-sushi made for me at our favorite resturant, but I miss all the fun stuff, and even the weak ones we haven't done in awhile. Stupid lay off + frugal husband = no eating out :)

What I'm looking forward to? My u/s on the 21st...I can NOT wait to see him again. He should be around 3 lbs. then, triple what he was the last time. Amazing.

Weekley wisdom: Sorry...I got nothing.

Milestone: We have passed viability and are down to double digit days left (98)...not to mention 3rd trimester right around the corner (next week).

Holy Hell

Have I let myself go. A year ago, this woman would never consider leaving the house in anything but 100% put together status. Jimmy would laugh at me that I didn't need heels and make up to go to Lowe's for paint samples. I would dress the whole 9 yards, including heels every day. I did my hair and my make up before ever considering leaving the house. I even changed my pocketbook to match the current ensemble. It was just who I was. Even my jewelry would be carefully considered to compliment what I was wearing. Fast forward to the woman that sits before you now...tsk tsk. She is a hot mess. I got my hair cut by a new stylist and she butchered it. I had to go to a second new girl to have it "fixed", but now it is way short and I have cowlicks that sick up after I lay down. It's horrible. I can't tell you the last time I wore make up and jewelry is fast joining that MIA status as well. I have had the same bag with my crap in it since I got pregnant, maybe even before. Such as today, I am wearing the same dress I wore yesterday. I do have a bra on at least since I have to drop off and pick up James at school and don't think that would be appropriate should someone see me. I did shower yesterday for his Open House as well. I was doing "better" when I was working, but now that I am home every day I am such a slouth. Poor Jimmy hasn't had a put together wife in some time. Sad, really. He doesn't deserve this. I just don't have it in my to care. I just want to nap and chill whenever I have a free moment. It's horrible how lazy I have become. I am slacking on my personal hygiene, my correspondence, my household chores, EVERYTHING!! Some days I'm not even sure I recognize the woman I have become. I know I don't care for her too much ::sigh::

Still haven't found my wedding set and it makes me cry every time I think of it. Pretty please Universe...send it back to me!!

Things lost...

So Tuesday night I was so achy from not feeling well that I took my wedding set off. I swear I put it on my high kitchen counter near my phone and forgot to bring it in the bedroom. Wednesday I felt worse and didn't even think about it. So Thursday I feel a little better and go to put my ring (they are soddered together) back on and they are gone. I have looked high and low and nothing. I can not imagine where they could be. Jimmy keeps saying they are in the house and we will find them when I least expect it in the craziest place. But I keep thinking, "what if I threw them away?"...by Thursday the garage pick up had already occurred, so they would be gone. Totally and completely lost. I am absolutely devastated and so, so sad.

So I go to work after realizing about my rings. And at 11 after quite awhile of bsing with my boss, he says to me, "I have to let you go". It was so out of the blue (the statement, we have been slow and he has been stressed for awhile). I thought he might be joking or something, till I see his face and then I realize he is not. He is serious. He keeps assuring me that he loves me and this is because his accountant told him it was the only way to keep the company going through the slow winter months. I just wish he had been honest with me when his daughter started coming into "train" for my maternity leave. I was training her to take my job over. So now I am unemployed. It's crazy. Jimmy and I had been figuring out numbers and trying to figure out me staying home when baby comes. But this was not what I was expecting. But I am trying to find the silver lining. Now I get to "enjoy" some time with my pregnancy as well. And I know I will be home with Asher when he arrives. And I can get the house in order. But man, it is going to be stressful financially for awhile till we get our tax money and pay a few things off that we had planned prior to me staying home. But really I'm not upset about this. Now I can collect unemployment while I figure out what I want to do and have some time to enjoy Asher without going back to work hanging over my head.

Then I come home with my sad little personal box of belongings. I'm taking it out of the car and I notice a sticker on the back of the Land Rover that is sitting in front of our house since I was hit and stopped driving it. We have 48 hours to move it or it will be empounded. So Jimmy gets home and jumps it and starts it up. And it won't shift gears. Will not come out of park. So he crawls underneath and sees that the brake fluid is low. So he goes and gets some and replenishes it. Tries pumping the brakes to get the fluid going (I am unaware of him doing this :) and nothing. Won't come out of park. So by the end of the day we are laughing to keep from crying. So Friday I drop James off at school and call the tow truck guy I had spoken to and set up for him to get the Land Rover. I contact the garage that is taking the car and let them know he is due in an hour. So my old boss calls me and tells me that his mechanic buddy says that if you have't used the car recently the brakes can stick. To get in and pump them (now remember I didn't know that Jimmy had already done this with the fluid), so I go out and do this and BAM...it drops into gear. I am so excited and caught off guard that I jump out and check that the car is okay (tires, etc.). Then run to the garage and start moving things, fearing the whole time that it won't go back in gear when I get in again. But it does. So I call the tow truck guy and leave him a voice mail canceling him coming. As I'm shutting my garage he drives up. Thank God he didn't give me a hard time about charging me still.

So...now if I could jut find my damn rings...life would be good!!

SAHM

So Jimmy and I sat down and looked at our financial numbers. It looks like there is a very large possibilty that I might be able to be a SAHM when Asher is born. I am too terrified it won't actually happen to get excited just yet. I feel like I am struggling just to make it happen so I can stay home for 3 months for maternity leave, to really focus on after that :) But it is definately something we will continue to pursue and I am praying like mad that it happens. It is my dream since I was alittle girl and the thought that it might actually happen...WOW...

On a sad note...I took my wedding set off when my body ached from being sick and I can not find it now...I am devastated and pray that it turns up. Where could it have gone, right?

So many things...

I feel like I am a bad blogger. I just don't want to bore anyone with my everyday mundane things. And when I was so sick at the beginning just getting through the day was a challenge. Then I got so sick with broncitis. It just seems to be one thing after another that keeps me from having anything exciting to report :) Now it seems I have bunch of "things".

I had my girls weekend this past weekend. It was lovely to see them but so different being pregnant on the trip. And we had a bunch of "mishaps" while we were there to keep us on our toes. I was very proud of how we handled it all though.

Then there is the head cold I came home with or the UTI the doctor's office confirmed yesterday. I'm on antibiotics for that. Feel like crap (again!) and just want to crawl into bed. Seems to be a theme for me. But instead I am here at work...dying.

Or maybe that I am snoring so bad from the extra baby weight that Jimmy has basically moved into our nursery/spare bedroom for the time being. I hope when my head cold ends it might have some affect on it, but I don't think it will. I cried so hard last night when he told me that he could not keep going without sleep or getting up and moving rooms in the middle of the night. This is SO not what I wanted and it makes me so sad. But not sure what I can do about it.

But the most exciting thing of all...because of my anterior placenta I have not really had baby movement experiences. Which had been a huge bummer since this pregnancy is it for me. But Sunday night...Jimmy and I are sitting on the couch. I am exhausted from my trip and driving for 5 hours and all that we "experienced" that weekend. So we are just hanging out together...I missed him so much. I have my hand on my belly and I felt it...inside and out. A kick. No doubting it...it was a kick!! He did it a second time. So I took Jimmy's hand and placed it where mine had been and he felt it too. Then last night same thing. I had hoped he would get active earlier so James could feel it before bed, but he is a late night person I guess. So I have not been able to let him experience it...but I think it might happen in the near future. The little man is getting so strong!! I love it <3

Girl's Weekend

So, I leave on Thursday night for my yearly Fall Funk Fest, my yearly girls weekend. I know it's not Fall yet, but we are "borrowing" a condo from one of the girl's sister and this is when we could have it. Kind of rough since it's Florida and it's August and this year has been HOT. But I would be dying in the heat either way I guess. Thursday is going to be a long day. I get up and get James to school. Then off to work. Pick him up after work and take him home. Make sure I have everything together including the cooler of drinks and food I am bringing. Then it's a 3.5 hour drive to the airport. Pick up the girls and then drive another 45+ minutes to the condo from the airport. We should get in after midnight. I'm not sure I have that in me :) And if I'm honest I am terrified of keeping up with them the entire weekend. I am having a hard time lately being in the heat and even running basic errands with Jimmy on weekends is exhausting. I need a nap on work days. So I hope I don't drag them down. We already had to cancel going air boating because of me. But they keep saying we are going to take it easy. Lay by the pool and walk around downtown. I hope that it's not too much on me. But I know they will understand if it is...they are my girls after all. So looking forward to seeing them and catching up. I miss them when we are in our own little states. So.much.fun!!

Thought

I can feel my belly growing daily. That is all I have.

His Name

So. When we first started talking about baby names. The girl name came to us right away. I threw out a name I had always loved, Piper and Jimmy loved it too. It just seemed to marry so perfectly to his grandmother's name that we ended up with Piper Rose. I have to admit I was bummed I wouldn't get to use it when we found out we were having a boy. I really adore it. But there you go. Now the boy name...not so much. I had always wanted to use my maiden name as a first name. But Jimmy was not a fan of that idea. I threw out hundred of names over many months and was shot down each and every time. No good. Then we were at my grandfather's church. Waiting to talk to the Pastor. And in thier sanctuary they have bibical names etched on the glass. Jimmy points to Asher and says, "What do you think?" I liked it. Then I did some research. Asher was a king. The king of what is current day Lebanon. Could that be anymore perfect? And it also means Peace. Love that!! So that was it for me. I was sold. We were originally going to go with Samual as the middle name. It's my great grandfather's name and he was an amazing man. But then, my grandfather became such an intrical part of our IF journey. This pregnancy would NOT have happened without him. So we decided to change the middle name to honor him. And I think he is most excited about it. So it was worth the change. And I think it works...Asher Robert. I think it's a good name. A wonderful name for my amazing miracle boy. Yes, a good name indeed.

Level 2 Ultrasound

So we finally had our Level 2 ultrasound. We got to see our little one for the first time in 13 weeks. We had been in the dark since our viability u/s at 7 weeks. We are having a beautiful, healthy, moving around like crazy BOY!! I am so excited.

Isn't he gorgeous? I am more and more in love every time. And because of (1) my age (2) the u/s doctor is good friends with my RE and (3) he had a daughter who had a baby last year at my age...the doctor wants to do at least 1, possible 2 more u/s as we progress. So I have another one in 8 weeks. I'm waiting to hear what the date is...but I'm so thrilled to see him again. Especially since I have a front placenta. Meaning it's buffering me from feeling Asher move and kick and be as active as I watched him be yesterday. He was moving so much that the tech said he was making her job really hard, and I could not be more thrilled. So I very possible will not feel him at all. And definately not this early. I am devastated. This is my one and only shot at pregnancy...so I was SO looking forward to feeling him in there...and it breaks my heart that I may never. But he is doing amazing in there. He has long legs and a big belly (according to the tech) and he is a little above average in size...he's a lb. already!! So all is good in my world. Jimmy and I are over the moon and already starting to really plan the nursery. I can not wait!! James was a little bummed as he wanted a sister, but I think he'll change his tune once he meets his amazing little brother. Because...they are going to be best friends, I just know it :)

TGIFriday and then Monday...MonDAY...MONDAY!!

I am so flipping excited about my u/s on Monday. I have not seen Hercules since 7 weeks...that is almost 13 weeks by the time I see her/him again. Unacceptable :) But in the mean time. I had gone to my hair dresser to get a cut. I wanted her to cut it short and she refused, needless to say I am looking for a new hairdresser as I will cut it short...but that's another story. So I was pretty down on my hair and self. I had so much out growth and gray that it looked like crap and I felt old. I mean really old. So she mentions henna hair color to me. So I started researching, and found out it is totally natural. From plants and roots natural. So I found a color from an on-line company that I liked and ordered it. It finally arrived this week and my husband (yes my husband colors me hair, he is so "frugal" that the savings makes it worth it for him and it's alot easier for me :) colored my hair. The product was really strange and went on like mud. It dried like mud too. So it was a real bitch to get out of my hair, but it worked. That's the key. I have no gray, no roots and I don't look like I am 60 something. I love it. It's a good week!! And then next week is my u/s...which is the best week ever. I can barely contain myself. I just keep looking at Jimmy and saying "Monday...MonDAY...MONDAY!!"...

4TH OF JULY

James and his cousin having a blast on Independence Day :)

Ugh

Woke up to an excrusiating calf charlie horse (I've had ones in my arch as well :). I forgot how painful they are. Horrible way to start the day.

Massage

So, for my birthday, Jimmy and James gave me a massage gift certificate. So I had called and scheduled an appointment then had to change it because I was sick. Then I had to call and cancel it because I was STILL sick. So finally I got to go this past weekend. Ladies...if you have never had the joy of a massage...treat yourself!! I have been getting massages for years. I got Jimmy going with me for couples massages since shortly after we started dating. He wasn't sure he would like it and now he reminds me that it's been X amount of time since our last :) So I thoroughly enjoyed Saturday. I got an excellent massuesse (spelling?). She had just the right touch. I was loving it. I would like to get another one done when I am further along. But we'll have to see how that goes. Heavenly I tell you. So...do what you have to to make it happen for yourself Loves. You deserve it...

Sick!!

So I went to Chicago for my Godson (and his twin's) baptism my birthday weekend. I was set to stay with my little brother and his family. When I got there I was informed that his wife and son had been sick, but were "over it". Lies. All lies. The baby was sick the entire time and my SIL ended up at Emergency Care on Sunday. So...I got sick. And of course with being pregnant my immune system is weak and mine turned into broncitis, acute broncial spasms, sinisitious and a viral infection. Fun stuff. I have been sick for 9 days now and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet. I tell Jimmy I am dying at least once a day...it has become a joke around our house at this point. I saw the doctor and was put on antibiotics (weak ones) and an inhaler. But they do not seem to be helping me. I am so frustrated. I have coughing fits (that sometimes end in my vomitting) that then make it nearly impossible to breathe. And I had to come back to work even though I am not nearly ready. It bites. Today after a pretty nasty coughing fit and alot of wheezing and trouble breathing, Jimmy told me that we can go up to Illinois and smack my brother and his family. I just might take him up on that!! I even had to cancel my prenatal massage that I had scheduled for tomorrow (my birthday present from the boys :) because I didn't think I could enjoy it and didn't want to get anyone else sick.

And while I was at my sick appointment, my doctor had me do bloodwork to check on my Vitamin B12 and D deficiancy statuses (I have been taking supplements for awhile now). And while I was dying on the couch yesterday after work, they called to inform me that I had not absorbed a smidge of the B12 (the horrible, caulk like pill that I have to gag down...bastard!) and I have to switch (with my OB's permission) to a weekly B12 shot (in the ass thank you very much). So I finally finish with my fertility shots, and now I get this. And once I'm not pregnant anymore...I will add shots for my MS as well. I am destined to be a pin cushion I guess. I just need to accept it. It's crap I tell you!!

2nd Trimester

Holy crap...how did that happen already? My chance of miscarriage goes down to 5%...that is my favorite part. If the morning sickness would subside...it would be perfect :)

Exhausted...

So...I was born with bad hips. They have always been a weak joint for me. When I started IF treatment I was a good 20 lbs. overweight. Then add IF meds and another 25 lbs. Way too much for my frame. Now that I'm pregnant, I have to sleep on my side, i.e. on my hips. They hurt all the time. Last night I kept moving from one position to another trying to take the pressure off my hip. I have a pillow between my legs and one I body hug. I finally got up and slept on the couch where I could sleept with my head elevated and my feet elevated at the same time so I wouldn't get pain in my stomach. But it meant I more napped throughout the night. Not to mention all the sleep I lost trying to fall asleep initially. It sucks. I am not even 3 months along and I am already struggling with this. How am I going to survive the rest of this pregnancy? I have two flatter pillows from my couch that I am going to snag tonight and see if I can place one or both under my hip and see if that takes some of the pressure off. I already sleep on a foam mattress atop our normal mattress. I am starting to panic a little...okay...alot!!

First OB Appointment

So I had my first OB appointment yesterday. Got to hear Hercules' heartbeat. It is the BEST sound ever. Unfortunately the doctor only let me hear it for a milisecond. Not nice Dr. Wolk. So as a result I HAD to order a doppler to hear it all the time. I think Jimmy will get a kick out of it as well and I can not wait for it to arrive!! Like it needs to be in my mailbox when I get home, can't wait. Hurry up!! So I asked doc about coloring my hair. And he said to me, "with all that you have been through to get here...is it really that important to take any chances...you don't look that bad". So I guess I will not be coloring my hair till after I give birth. That should be a lovely mess as it already looks like shit. My poor godson who will forever have pictures of a fat, old, gray haired godmother in his baptism pictures next weekend. Oh well. I guess he is right in his cautionary attitude. Jimmy and I opted out of the down testing. We would never do anything to end the pregnancy anyway, so why take a chance with false positive and worrying and such. I had a downs aunt. My concern with this is the medical issues that come with it. Sadly she passed very young from a hole in her heart. I could care less about the mental issues. I would not love my child any less...I just hate the thought of them not living a long and healthy life. But we are not doing that. Bad part of that is no u/s in a week now. Boo. But what can you do. So my next u/s will be at 18 weeks for an indepth look to see if there are any deformaties or issues that can/need to be addressed while I'm still pregnant. But it's also when we will get to find out the sex. So 7 more weeks till that. I go back in a month for another check up. But doc said that all was as it should be. My cervix was good. The heartbeat was perfect (I could not agree more!!) and everything was right on track for where it should be. So all in all...a very successful visit. Whew. Now...where the hell is my doppler...shouldn't it be here by now? Come on already!!

On a side note...I just had a thought pop in my head. The whole issue of IVF meaning that my child is any less viable then a natural conception child really bothers me. I have a friend who's children can not be baptised in her Catholic church because they are IVF babies. But if you believe as I do that God has his hand in all...then if he really didn't believe that I should have this amazing miracle that is snuggled in right now, then wouldn't he have just made my IVF not work? I mean the odds were all against me. Two eggs, one fertilized and matured. Not very good chances...and yet...miracle of miracles...I got pregnant and have successfully carried this pregnancy further than any that I conceieved naturally!! I'm sorry, but I trully believe that God wants me to have this baby as much as I do. That he put me in the hands of amazing doctors who helped to make this happen. But then...that's just me.

10 weeks

So I made it to double digits. Woot woot :) I also am sharing my first belly pic. I look huge already. I don't think that is normal!!

How far along? 10 weeks 1 day

Weight gain/loss: Unfortunately I had gained almost 25 lbs. from the fertility meds. But I have not gained anything from the pregnancy as yet.

Maternity clothes? I wear a mix of regular and maternity pants and tops

Sleep: I have been waking up alot to pee. Last night I used a pillow between my legs/knees and actually almost made it through the night for the first time since I'm pregnant. I hope it's not just a fluke :) Update: It was a fluke, back to peeing all night last night.

Best moment this week? any moment I'm not sick

Food cravings: I have not had any cravings. I've had things I no longer like as a result of trying to eat them when I feel sick.

What I'm missing: SUSHI...big time!! Jimmy promises me he will bring me rolls in the hospital...although I have to find out if they are okay while I'm nursing.

Gender? I don't know yet...not till August...Jimmy really wants a girl, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him. My Mom keeps saying it's a girl from different "signs", but we'll see. I just want healthy...I'm more excited to see what she/he looks like.

Belly button...in or out? In still

What I'm looking forward to: My first OB appointment next Thursday...and I pray an u/s.

::sigh::

I think that Jimmy and I have fought more in the 2 1/2 months of this pregnancy then we have in the 2 1/2 year prior. Not sure we're going to survive the whole pregnancy. Wouldn't that be ironic?

Fear

I fear so much with this pregnancy/baby. I fear losing the pregnancy. 2 previous miscarriages will do that to a person. And with all we went through for this pregnancy, we would not be able to try again. We would have to move forward in a different direction. I direction I had prayed I would never have to head. I keep hoping at each stage that the fear will lessen on this and I will be more confident in the pregnancy. It still may...but right now...every symptom. I fear it's a bad sign. Every change in a symptom...does it mean that the pregnancy is not viable anymore? Then I fear crazy things like pooping during labor. Or where am I going to be when my water breaks? Will it be the most inappropriate time/place? I'm too afraid to take any meds for my morning sickness (that lasts all day). Too afraid to take any meds at all for that matter. And lastly, after wanting to be a Mom since I was conceived I think...I fear being a bad Mom. I fear not bonding with my baby. Or worse...the baby not bonding with me. That there will just be a disconnect...and I will be devastated. As I've gotten older in life, I have become a less patient person in general. I fear that since I didn't have a child when I was younger and more youthful and full of exuberance...I should not have had one now. That I'm too old for this gig. I have wanted this for so long...I am so terrified of being disappointed in the reality of it. Am I insane, apparently so...but I can not control the fear. I try not to share it with Jimmy as he might not understand after all I put us both through to make this a reality, not feeling simply pure joy. And I am thrilled...do not get me wrong. I am thankful every day that this worked and I am pregnant. I don't even mind the m/s (well, maybe I do when I have it :), the pains and cramps. But the fear is always there..bubbling under the surface of happiness. Just waiting to grab my ankle and rear it's ugly head again. Lurking...always lurking.

Fears

I have so many fears. So many. I fear having a miscarriage. Two in my past make it impossible not to. I fear every change in symptoms. Is a new one good or bad? Does one going away mean that the pregnancy is no longer viable? I fear labor. All the craziness of it. The pain. The pooping. All the silliness of your water breaking, and I know mine will happen at the worst possible moment. I can guarantee it. But I also fear that I will not be a good Mom. I fear that I won't bond with the baby. That I will not feel a closeness to them. That they won't be a closeness to me. I fear...

Weekend Away

So...Jimmy, James and I took off for the weekend. We headed up to Orlando. Hit Epcot on Friday. Had a blast. Rode every ride (I couldn't go on one) except two that were 90 minute waits. But we thoroughly enjoyed the day. James had a cranky episode when he was hungry. But as soon as he got lunch in his tummy, all was good with the world again. He is such a diva when he is hungry. Got to the hotel and there was no pull out bed in our king room. So they switched us to a double queen room. It did the job, but I was really looking forward to stretching out on a king for the two nights. Oh well. Saturday I felt sick off and on, but Jimmy was sweet enough to cover for me. Let me stay in the room and rest for a bit each time. James was in hog heaven at the Water Resort portion of our hotel. They had a ton of water slides and pools and water cannons, etc. He ran himself ragged. It was wonderful to see. Sunday we got up and had our free breakfast as a result of them taking an hour to make a pizza. Then headed home for football. I felt really sick so Jimmy let me bail out and handled it on his own. Even went to the grocery store to food shop for me. Damn, I love that man!! And now I have been on the phone with the hotel for hours...yes I said hours trying to get thier accounting errors corrected. The idiot that screwed up our food order so that we waiting an hour double charged us as well. And there are two "mystery" charges that no one can tell me what they are for or from. I am starting to not be so nice anymore. I am getting really angry and frustrated and it is taking away any pleasure I had staying there. It's bad enough that they take out an "incidental" charge and no one can tell me when it will be returned. Now I have these lovely extra charges and bonus charge. Grrr. They are not going to like me in about 5 minutes. This is absolute insanity!!

8 weeks

So the nauseau has kicked in. I can't even call it morning sickness because it comes ALL day. I know it means that things are as they should be. But it sucks. I hate feeling sick. And I hate forcing myself to eat. But you do what you have to, right? And it will be SO worth it. I am still getting bigger and bigger. I still think there might be a chance that there are twins in there with how soon I am showing and such. But time will tell. Both my sisters that had twins were told they were having a single till much later in thier pregnancy (one only found out 2 weeks before she delivered and only on a fluke :). I just want healthy...but it would make me feel better about how big I am getting. But what can you do? This will be my only shot at this pregnancy gig...so I am trying to enjoy ever aspect of it. We are heading to Epcot and staying in Orlando for Mother's Day weekend. I hope I do okay with it all. We chose Epcot in hopes that there are at least some things I can do while pregnant. Saturday we are hanging at the hotel we booked. It has all kinds of water slides and pools for James and I'm looking forward to just chilling. Not really thrilled about racing back for his football game. I personally think he can miss one week. But on this Jimmy and I differ and it appears that even though it is "my" day I am losing the battle. I think if I made a big stink I might sway him, but is it worth it? I think not. So I will not get that relaxing breakfast and leisurely drive back to relax at home for the day. Maybe pop in at our Mom's to wish them a happy day. We already celebrated with my Mom in Tampa last weekend when so many of us were together to see my neice's wedding dress. But I thought it would still be nice. Now we'll have to see if that works out at all. ::sigh::

Hercules

So I got to see Hercules last night. An absolutely perfect, healthy 136 bpm baby is baking in there. I could have watched the heart flutter ALL day. I feel a little more in love. I graduated from my RE's...although I don't see my OB till Week 11...a month. So any issues or concerns in the meantime will be referred to my RE. But I won't be going back there. I am sad as they were an amazing team to work with. But I'm thrilled that it's no longer necessary. I owe them so much, but can't say I will miss them!! Especially the 1.5 hour drive each way. I know Jimmy is thrilled to never have to do that again. I have to remain on my PIO till Week 11. And my baby aspirin as well. I have a 5 mm progesterone cyst. But he said that was normal and it would go away on it's own. I have to make sure I don't twist my middle too much as a result. But going for beach walks (which I had planned on starting this week) ia still okay. I got a little graduation bag and was so proud to walk out with my blue bag :) He did say that I was 6 weeks 5 days at the time of the ultrasound, and not 7 weeks 0 days as I had figured. He said it was normal with IVF to be a little off on dates as the egg can bounce around before implanting. So I am now due December 14th. Sounds like a perfect date to me!! So without further ado...

Animals...

I know it's pregnancy hormomes. I normally ADORE my pets. I love them like my child. I spoil them like crazy. But I tell you...right now...I can NOT stand them. Want to open the door and let them free. Tell Jimmy that they ran away. All of them. They are so annoying. Normally my cat is very sedementary. Not when I am napping, no...that is the best time to run across all the furniture, including whatever I am laying on. He starts crying at 5 a.m. He steals paper whenever he can and makes the worst racket with it. And then thier is the dogs. The male isn't a fan of the new big dogs across the street. So he barks like a nut whenever they make an appearance. Which gets the female going (she's not the best in the sight department so she would most likely miss them on her own :). And my female. Ahh, my female. She is consistant...non-stop. She whines. Perpetually. She huffs as she lays down. She scratchs and actually thumps the floor so that it shakes. She snores. She burps. She barks. And normally all her "quirks" make me laugh. Or at least don't affect me. But I am on the brink. I actually have to wear ear plugs at night because she starts at 5 a.m. or earlier and I think I might kill her. And she will not settle down in the evening. You put her outside and she stares at you to come and bring her in. You bring her in and she walks around and around whining. I want to love them again...but damn...they are making it REALLY tough on a girl.

Inpatience

So my RE waits F.O.R.E.V.E.R. to do the first u/s. Not sure of the reasoning behind his, but it is KILLING me. Everyone else I know, even some who are not as far along as me, have already gotten to see there miracles. And here I still sit waiting. I want to see Hercules. I am dying. Pretty please Doc...pretty please? One more week...one more week.

Confession

I'm wearing maternity jeans. I know I am only 5 weeks 2 days pregnant. But I gained 15 lbs. during my IUI/IVF cycles as a result of the stims...shots...meds...all of the above :) And I've been bloated throughout that. Now I have pregnancy bloat. So jeans and/or dress pants have been off the table for awhile. Been wearing alot of dresses and elastic waisted pants. So I decided to buy me some maternity jeans/pants. And let me tell you I love, love, love them. It is so nice to be back in "real" pants. To feel like I actually got dressed. Here's my exchange with Jimmy, "You're wearing jeans?" "Yup" "New jeans?" "Yup" "But they don't look big" "Nope, maternity"...and no one has to know!! They look like normal, every day jeans if you don't lift my shirt and see the band. Have I mentioned that I love, love, love them? Cause I do. Alot. I ordered another pair today. And might have a third one by the end of the week. We'll see. I'll still wear my dresses, and I have a couple of pants that don't look like elastic waisted pants. So I'll keep wearing them...but it's nice to feel like an adult in "normal" clothes again. I didn't realize how much I missed it. So judge if you must...but I am thrilled to be wearing maternity already!!

Ultrasound

My first gestational ultrasound is April 25th at 2:45 p.m. I can not wait to see Hercules!!

Beta #2

Another great number...1154...more than double in 48 hours. Hercules is growing strong. I can't believe it. Jimmy is so excited he took me around looking at baby furniture. We have our gestrational u/s the last week of April. I can not wait to see the baby on the screen!!

Beta #1

536!! I am so flipping excited. It's real :) I'm pregnant. I have waited 38 1/2 years for this. I truly had started to believe that it would never happen. And now it has. I'm pregnant!! And with that number, the first comment out of many that knows mouths is multiples. Jimmy goes pale at the thought. I don't care either way. Just want healthy baby(s). It is so cute how excited Jimmy is. He has already started figuring out how to change the spare bedroom into a nursery. Going on-line to look at wall murals and such. He is insisting on calling me Big Mama. But you know what...I don't care. Because, guess what...I'm pregnant!!

Timidly...

I say to you...I am pregnant. I took a digital HPT and it said the word I have prayed so hard for...PREGNANT. I went and put it on the towel in the bathroom for Jimmy to see when he got out of the shower. He said when he saw the stick and not me he figured it was bad. He had to look at it several times before it hit him. I personally have looked at the damn thing 15+ times this morning. I honestly think expecting the NOT to show up. Normal people take a test and it says pregnant and that's it. They're pregnant. I think when you've experienced IF it's a little harder to accept that word. I'm almost afraid to believe it. And after two early miscarriages, I'm terrified to get excited about it. Jimmy wants to tell everyone right.away. Not even waiting till the beta on Thursday. He says the digital is accurate. That we can believe it. That we are pregnant. Holy shit...I'm pregnant!! Maybe it will sink in today...but I don't think so. Maybe after the beta. Maybe. ::claps hands:: Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!!

Silly DH

Since I opted to continue with the PIO shots rather than changing over to the suppositories, Jimmy has to re-draw my circles every couple of days. They fade quickly. I guess to entertain himself and make me giggle, he has started drawing faces and characters instead of just plain circles. If they were not located on my almost ass, I would take some pics so you could truly appreciate them...but you will just have to imagine them :) This time I have horns on one and a HUGE nose on the other. I just love that man!!

Transfer and Introduction

So...the transfer went really well, sans my bladder. I was in the shower so Jimmy got the all a go call. We head out for out 1.5 hour journey with me slamming water the whole time for my full bladder. I had been told that we had to be there at 11 for an 11:15 transfer. So when we arrive at 10:50 I am full up. We sit in the reception area for a few minutes and then they call us back. Put me in my gown and head and foot wear. And then sit us in the office to wait to talk to the doctor. And we wait and we wait. At 11:30 I start to get antsy as I am in alot of pain now. Jimmy informs me that they told him we were to be there at 11 for an 11:30 transfer. Lovely. At 11:45 tears come into my eyes I am in so much pain. So Jimmy asks the nurse how much longer? She informs us that the doctor has been called and we are just waiting on her. But that I can semi-drain my bladder while we are waiting. The doctor shows up a few minutes later. She informs us that they are transferring one perfect, text book zygote. She presents us with a picture and I tell you, I was instantly in love. I ask her if I can continue with the PIO shots rather than changing over to the suppositories. She tells us that I am the first person to ever make that request of her. But it's good.

They bring me back and put my leggings on and throw my legs up in the air so my crotch is hanging out for the world to see and they start moving the u/s wand over my over full belly. And they keep commenting on how full my bladder is. But they keep pushing on it regardless. Thanks Ladies. The doctor finally returns and comments that my bladder (which remember has already been partially drained :) is full enough for several patients and it's good to see someone who follows instructions. Yup that's me, the good girl. They finally put the zygote in and they move me over to a recovery bed and wheel me into a room. I have to wait another 15 minutes before I can pee. Jimmy comes in and tells me how they let him watch the whole thing but he had no idea what he was seeing till one of the sweet nurses explained it all to him. He is practically glowing. Jimmy kept referring to his sperm as olympians. And since our zygote was classified as perfect by the doctor...we decided that it was only fitting...

Isn't he/she gorgeous? I think so...

Fert Report

So I got a call from the RE's office. One of my two follicles has matured. So as of right now we are a go for Thursday's transfer. We will get a final call on Thursday morning to let us know for sure...but for now I am praying like mad that the saying "it only takes one" holds true!! Any prayers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Ladies...you all rock.

ER

So my ER was today. I had two beautiful 21s :) I am in a good amount of pain...and very nervous. Now I wait till tomorrow afternoon to hear if we have matured and are a go for Thursday's transfer. Too damn much waiting in this game. And I am so not a patient person.

Monitoring #2

So aside from waiting in the ultrasound room for an hour while I was having way too much anxiety, the second appointment went well. My left little guy shrunk, so he's out of the game. But the two right guys are up to 21 and 18. So it's a go. I know most women have like 12 follicles for an IVF, but after last month, I'm just excited to have 2 and the go ahead. So I trigger tonight and we have our pre-op appointment tomorrow morning. And they are doing the egg retreival on Monday morning at 10:45. I am a little freaked out now that it's here. And I am dreading calling my boss and telling him that I need Monday off. And if they do a 3 day transfer I will need Thursday off as well. But it is what it is...and I can't stress over that part of it. Poor Jimmy has late duty on Monday so he is going to have to drop me off after and go into work. That sucks, but will mean some quiet time for me after. So it must be meant to be :)

Monitoring

So I got up at the crack of dawn. My RE's office is an hour and a half away and for some reason they want me to be there at like 8 every.single.time. So I have to leave my house by 6:30 at the latest. It sucks. But what can you do? So Jimmy couldn't get off work today and so my Mom and sister went with me (which today meant leaving at 6 to get to my Mom's house in time to leave). It was a nice, easy drive up there. I get my bloodwork done and then go in for my ultrasound. The Tech got my hopes up as she said I had two rock stars and a little guy. So I though 2 maybe three. Fast forward to my phone call from the nurse. I have a 16...a 12 and a 9. So if the 12 doesn't catch up to the 16...we will have only one again. I am so terrified they are going to recommend cancelling again. For a few reasons. Jimmy and I are both hitting our limit on this whole IF thing. And we have already hit a large, hard brick wall when it comes to money to buy more meds or anything else. We just found out we owe on our taxes ($713) since we took money out of our 401k for the IF to begin with. So I don't know what will happen if they recommend that. Do we go ahead and do the IVF with one follicle and pray like crazy that it rocks it? Do we cancel and do another IUI and pray like crazy that it works and never do an IVF? I don't even know how I feel about it all, but I will have to make a decision very soon. I am so sad and frustrated and sick about it all. Makes me wish I was a drinker or a smoker or something I could do to "escape". But alas...

So I have to continue with my Bravelle tonight and tomorrow morning. Add goneralex to tonights regime and then be at the RE's first thing tomorrow morning for more blood work and another ultrasound. This is my punishment for telling my Mom and sister that I have never had to go for more than one monitoring appointment since I O so early in my cycle. ::sigh:: When will I learn to keep my big fat mouth shut? Most likely, never. So I am now praying like mad that at least the 12 catches up. In a perfect world the 9 would get in the mix as well. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe, but I'm going to anyway. You hear that? Three follicles large enough to be involved in the ER...pretty please?!! With whip cream and I'll even give my cherry...tee hee...I just realized how that sounds. Okay...more tomorrow!!

Is it working?

So last cycle...the meds did nothing to me. I mean that they did not do anything to make/stimulate my ONE lousy egg...as well as they did not do anything to alter my mood/personality. Jimmy actually took James aside and told him that Mama might be a little cranky or emotional, and he should not take it personally. James said something along the lines of Mama is doing great, maybe she can stay on thse meds all the time!! Got to love the kid. Fast forward to this cycle. I am irritable, emotional and edgy. So I am praying like crazy that this means that it is also doing it's actual job and is working magic on my eggs!! I am so terrifed that I will go tomorrow morning for my monitoring appointment and they will tell me the same thing they told me last time. That I only have one egg and they recommend cancelling my IVF. I don't know what I'm going to do if that happens. I might go forward with the IVF anyway, because obviously that means that one is all my body can/will make any longer. But if the odds are against us, is it worth throwing all that money down the drain? And of course Jimmy isn't going to this monitoring appointment with me. My Mom and sister are instead. So I'll have to hear thier opinions rather than being able to make a decision with my husband. ::sigh:: Oh well, I will know soon enough if we are a go or we are having to make a very tough decision. So fingers crossed and prayers said...that's all I can do at this point. I have shot myself up and taken my meds like a good girl. It's in God's hands now.

The Ups and Downs

So...I went on Saturday for my first monitoring appointment. They found three follicles on my left side. 9.8, 9.6, and 10.1. My right ovary is apparently lazy, to quote the u/s tech. Explains why we were not successful last cycle. Grrr. So I call my Mom and break down in tears about how much the meds are going to cost me. I have been offered a med donation from one of the Lovelies from TTTC (who has now YEAH graduated :) but I needed to order more of the Bravelle and I needed the Ovidrel. So fast forward to lunch after church with my Mom. She hands me an envelope and all of my siblings and my Mom raised the money for my meds. I am so truly blessed. That's the ups. Now the downs. Even though this Lovely rushed right out and paid to have the package guaranteed for Monday delivery, it did not make it. And the package from the pharmacy was only sent out on Monday since they were already closed on Saturday when I finished with my RE appointment and could call to order it. So now poor Jimmy, instead of staying home and resting while sick, is driving an hour and a half each way to my RE's office to pick up another med that I am supposed to take this morning (hopefuly it will still be morning when he gets it to me). I feel horrible asking him to do it. Thanks God he loves me!! So frustrated. But it is what it is. I just hope that USPS refunds her money for not delivering it when it was supposed to be here. It is total bullshit. Total.

So now I continue taking my oral meds and injectables until Friday morning when I go for my first monitoring appointment. Fingers crossed that all three of the follicles continue to grow and are perfect little eggs. That's not too much to ask for is it? I don't think so!!

Trying to remain positive

so I spoke to the nurse at the RE's office. and I am trying to remain positive. They are going to go more aggressive in my protocol. And she is trying to work out either (a) less expensive meds options or (b) samples from the distributors for me to use. So I may be able to afford to do this IVF thing right away. Fingers crossed!! Now I just have to wait for AF to show so I can move forward with this new plan. But of course, she's taking her damn sweet time arriving. So frustrating knowing that you are not pregnant, but not having AF show up. I know it's because the progesterone is elongating my cycle. But come on already!!

BFN

That is all I have right now. No AF, but two BFNs. So devastated.

Progesterone Suppositories

Suck!! Plain and simple. I hate them. I have another week of them and I am dreading it. It's not too bad at night when I can lay down or on the weekends for the mid-day one when I can lay down. But when I have to do it in the bathroom at work and then sit down. Ouch. It hurts. I almost wish he had kept me on the PIO plan rather than cancelling that along with the IVF. Oh well...it WILL be worth it!!

IUI Complete

So we get up at 5:45 a.m. Leave at 6:40 a.m. Drive is pretty chill till two roads left to travel and then we hit stopped traffic. But luckily we are close enough that it only makes us 5 minutes late. Not bad. So we sign in and Jimmy fills out his paperwork. Brings his folder containing his dirty magazine we bought the night before for just this purpose in with him. Gets the job done, and damn well. He has improved in every category. I am so excited and he is super proud of his swimmers. I know he's been stressing about this, and it's a relief that the numbers were all super high. We leave and head over to a scary Denny's in a bad part of town. Who knew. Not us. And there was another one two exits later that was really nice. Oh well. We have some breakfast and then head over to the mall to just walk around and waste some time till I have to be back. I guess they needed time to wash and spin Jimmy's sperm. So we head back to the office at 11 for my 11:15 appointment. I go in and undress. Doctor comes in and proceeds to drop the sperm on the ground. He yells out, "It's not contaminated!" and inserts it in me. And it's done. I have been inseminated. I lay there for about 15 minutes. Get up and get dressed. Drive the 1 1/2 home. And layed down and take a 3 hour nap. I was crampy and had a stomach ache all day. But I'm feeling good today. I have to test in 12 days. Well, 11 now :) I am feeling really positive about it all...hope I can hold onto that for the next 2 weeks.

Jimmy tells me that we have to change the middle name to reflect the little ones journey to the floor before insertion. He's so silly. Splat or some such nonsense was his first suggestion. Umm...I think not...but thanks for playing.

trying to find the silver lining

So we went for our first monitoring appointment. And found out that I only have one follicle. One. Yup...the same as if I had not stuck myself in the gut twice daily for the last week. If I had not take the horrible meds that make me feel sick if I eat or not. One. So the doctor I saw (not my RE, but a very sweet doctor) suggested that we cancel our IVF. That we do an IUI instead. So that's the plan. I went for monitoring #2 this morning and still just one. One that's ready to pop. So I am going to trigger tonight and we are doing an IUI on Wednesday. Never planned on an IUI, we were leaping frogging over it...but maybe this was God's plan and he just took us the long way around to it. Who knows. The sweet doctor said that she had spoken to my RE about my case and he agreed. They felt that we would get much more agressive when we do the next IVF protocol. Not sure what that means for me. But time will tell. Or not. If the IUI works, we won't have to worry about coming up with the funds for the meds or what it is doing to my system. I already look like a drug addict with my bruises and battered veins. But as the nurse who withdrew my blood today pointed out, I am a drug addict. Never really thought about it that way, but I guess I am. Shooting myself up twice daily. Yup, guess I qualify.

So we've set up for James to go to his Nani and Pa's house on Tuesday so they can get him to school on time. Since Jimmy and I have to be at the RE's on Wednesday between 7 and 8 for his SA. Then we will do the IUI around 11. At least that is the tenative info the sweet doctor told me, but I am waiting for my call from the office with the official info. I guess they have to wait on my E2 results to make sure that it is a go.

I was devastated on Saturday. Cried the whole way home from the office. And then slept for 3 hours after. Seeing Jimmy cry (for only the second time in our relationship) did not help my emotional state at all. But I am trying to find the silver lining now and thinking positive thoughts for this procedure. It WILL work!! It just will.

GRRRRR....

So I get a call from my RE's nurse saying that they could not get the results till tomorrow. So I call the lab and am told that they have the results and they should have been faxed to them and they would fax them again. Of course the doctor's office closes early on Friday. I just put in another call to the emergency after hours answering service explaining that the results should be at the office. Hopefully the nurse is still there and can get them and tell me what the hell is going on. I know this is no big deal for the lab or the doctor's and their nurse, but it is a HUGE deal for me. I want to cry right now. I am so frustrated and upset I don't even know what to do with myself.

On top of that Jimmy's old gym charged me for another month. I called them and the manager is out of town till Thursday and apparently no one else knows anything that is going on or where the paperwork is so I can't get a refund till then. Really? You make the mistake and I have to wait a week for it to be fixed. Get your heads out of your asses people. Really!!

I can't tell you the last time I had any alcohol, but I might be having a big old glass tonight!! Or maybe I'll just drink it right out of the bottle.

STAT

So I got up early. Got James up early. Headed out of the house early. Headed over to the lab for my E2 bloodwork. On a funny side note when we pulled into the parking lot, James says to me, "You're getting more blood taken?" I say yes. He says, "Pretty soon you're not going to have any more blood to give!!". He's is so wise :) Make sure I tell the tech that this needs to be STAT. She assures me that it will be. Puts a STAT sticker on the paperwork. I call the RE's nurse and remind her that I'm having the bloodwork done. I stupidly tried to save myself the hour and a half drive to the RE's office and had it done at a local lab. Big mistake. I get a call that afternoon that the lab informed the nurses that they don't STAT on E2 testing. Really? You couldn't have told me that prior? So they won't get my results till today (which FYI have STILL not come in). So the RE had to guess at what to adjust my meds to. Not giving me a warm fuzzy. Especially since I already screwed them up on my own the first time. Trying not to panic about the meds and if they are going to work with all the wonky things happening. I also need to know if they are keeping me on the same dosage of the one med, because if they are, I need them to call in another script for it and have it filled in time for Monday delivery. Grr.

Shots

So...I told you all about how I used the wrong needle and as a result, way too much of the medication. So that night I go to do my second (first of this med) shot. I insert the needle and push the button. Nothing. I take it out and check the pen/needle and it looks good. I insert the needle again and push the button and nothing. So I try a third time. I finally call Jimmy in and even though he is not a fan of needles he helps me figure out what I am doing wrong. So I insert a fourth time and finally get it to work. So I would say that Day 1 of shots was a major fail. I overmedicated on my first and had to try four times with my second. But I am a pro now and Jimmy calls me a rock star for (1) doing it over and over again when it didn't work without complaint and (2) doing it on myself each time. So I'll take the compliment and FYI, I did great on Day 2 and this morning on Day 3. I did however stick the needle into my finger last night. It sort of bent and when I tried to remove the cap it stuck my finger. But no biggie. I have my E2 bloodwork tomorrow morning. Super early. James and I have to leave 30 minutes early to make it there on time and then get him to school and me to work on time. So that should be fun. Trying to get an 8 year old moving in the morning is always interesting. But I'll work it out :) I always do.

::SIGH::

So...I was supposed to start my injections on Sunday morning. But I was also supposed to have my period prior and I had not as yet. So I called the doctor's office late Saturday night. Was told that I would get a call back. Two hours later I called again. I was told that the doctor would call me back before my morning injection. I have a two hour window. Just before the window closed I called again and was told I would get a call back. By the end of Sunday, no call and no period.

So this morning I took a pregnancy test...you never know right? I was a pill baby :) Not pregnant. Just before I left for work I went to the bathroom and had spotting. So I quick went and did my first injection. I was so freaked out that I did it wrong. And apparently my instinct was correct. When I finally spoke to a nurse, I had used the wrong needle. I had used the monster progesterone oil needle. So I gave myself too much. Yeah, I'm an idiot like that. She said that it should not be an issue, but once we see my E2 blood work we'll see if it will change any of my protocol. I am so mad at myself. And the office for not calling me back and leaving me on my own. The nurse apologized over and over. Said that there is an IVF nurse on call at all times and she doesn't know why my message wasn't put through to her. She was reporting it to the head nurse and the answering service coordinator. But I still spent all Saturday night in tears and all this morning freaking out that I screwed up (and with good reason :). So now everything shifts a day. My E2 will be on Thurday rather than Wednesday. My first monitoring will be on Saturday rather than Friday, etc.

Oh well...it is what it is, right? Fingers crossed that this was just a rough start and everything from here on out is smooth sailing. I deserve that, right? Right? Come on...RIGHT?

It arrived...

Package 1 of my meds that is :) I have two more delivers still to come. And I have to fill mine and Jimmy's antibiotics prescription at our local pharmacy. Sunday I start shooting myself twice a day. I have never been so excited in my life!!

Protocol

I had my protocol appointment yesterday. I stop my bcps tonight. So I should have AF in the near future. Start my treatment meds on Sunday. I have to pay (a) the full balance on the IVF to my RE's office by Friday (b) I have to order and pay for all my meds in the next day or so to have them in time and (c) pay the anestheteologist by Friday. It's a huge amount of money. I'm freaking out about all of it. I have my first monitoring appointment on Friday the 18th. My second on Sunday the 20th, which happens to be the anniversary of Jimmy and I's first date. My third on Tuesday the 22nd. At that point we'll probably find out when the ET is going to be. Most likely that week sometime. But we'll have to see how the eggs are cooking at that point. So I will be done with the ET/ER by the first couple of days of March at the latest. My head is spinning with it all. I have to talk to my boss about all the days off. I have to make sure the money is there to cover all the expenses. I have to start shooting myself first thing in the morning and at night. I found out I have to do progesterone shots after my ER. They go into the muscle in your hip. Ouch. I have heard they are painful and leave welts. My RE said it's only for 6 days. HA...like that's no big deal :) Then the fun suppositories follow. Blick. But we do what we have to, right?

Mani/Pedi fail

So I was so excited. I was going to treat myself to a mani/pedi. I usually do my own nails. But my feet, I get them done. And it was way past time. They were all jacked up. So I figured I would get my nails done as well. Or at least a polish change to go with my toes. So I'm going to try this place. I am always on the hunt for a convenient and not outrageously expensive place for my toes. I get there (after bribing James with a slurpee to keep him occupied :) and there is a sign that says "We have moved". And thier number to call. So I call and find out where they are and let them know what I am interested in having done and that I am at thier old location. So we jumped back in the car and drive to the new spot. I drive around and around looking for the name of thier shop. I finally call and tell them what I see. They decide to share with me that they are inside another salon. So, different name. I park and go in. I tell them I am the girl from the two calls and I want to get a mani/pedi done. It's about 5 till 3. The girl says that they have an eye lash and a hair cut at 3:30 so can I come back in an hour? Really? You couldn't have told me that when I called the first or second time when I was still in my car!! So I leave, irritated and decide to go home and try another day. Grr. Ended up redoing my own nails and figure I'll get a pedi and a hair cut instead this weekend. I hope I can work that out :)

Offical

So, my official protocol appointment is Monday, February 7th. That is all :)

Moving forward

So we got the call last night from the RE's nurse. Our pre-IVF bloodwork came back. Clean. All normal. I never had any doubt, but apparently Jimmy has been sweating it out. Funny. So I made my protocol appointment. But of course. Jimmy has a conflict with the day, so now I have a call into the nurse to see if we can bump the day. It's set for this Monday, but I'm seeing if I can make it Thursday (or Friday) instead. But one way or the other (Jimmy will have to make it work if I can't change it) it's next week. This is where we do a dry run of the IVF procedure. Get my med protocol and check my ovaries, yes, once again :) I have to arrive with a full bladder, but to quote my lovely husband, when don't I have a full bladder? It's ironic. I would go for my monitoring appointments and they would tell me to pee and empty my bladder and I would. Then they would start and each and every time comment on the fact that I already had urine in my bladder. I guess my screwed when I'm pregnant huh? But anywho, back to next week. So I have to arrive full bladder. Then we will go over the finances for the millionth time. We'll have a look see at my uterus and such. I'm not sure if Jimmy will have to do a run on his SA or not...that is yet to be seen. I still have some questions on snow babies that I will get someone to answer for me. Or several people. I need to feel okay about that. It's funny, Jimmy was raised Catholic, so you would think that he would be the one that concerns, but I guess I am the more religious of the two of us. Even though my religion is more lax...oh well. We'll figure it out. I would love to freeze them and have a second shot if needed. But I don't think it will be fiscally optional for us. But that's what next week will iron out. And one monthish from now we should be doing the ER/ET and it will be. One month. Insanity.

Hello my name is

Heather and I snore. Loud. My poor, poor husband. I guess it's time to lose some weight, it's amazing the difference even 10 lbs. can make in my sleeping habits. I'm back at the gym finally, so hopefully that will help...quickly please.

Stylish Award

So...thanks to some lovely ladies, I have been nominated for the Stylish Blogger award.


So sweet and unexpected :) So now I need to tell you a few things about me. Hmm. Let me try and think of some that I have never shared.

I am the middle child of eight children. I have two brothers and five sisters. One of my sisters started out as a foster child and was later unofficially adopted and had her name changed. The remaining siblings are from the same Mom and Dad. Who were together for 44 years until April of last year. I have 17 nieces and nephews ranging in age from 24 to 2 months (twins!).

I was born and raised on Long Island and moved to Illinois when I was 16. After 16 years I moved again to Florida to be near my ailing grandparents. So I figured I've been here for 8 years, means I have 8 more before I have to go somewhere else. I pick Charleston...but we'll see. Hopefully the housing market will have turned so my frugal husband will consider selling our house by then.

I was an athlete growing up and an honor student. I played soccer from when I was in first grade and was on a traveling team that I loved. I played field hockey in high school and was the Captian my Sophomore year. I was a cheerleader in Junior High (when I was Captian) and the beginning of high school. When we moved to Illinois I was so mad at my parents that I refused to join any organized activities. So instead, I got lazy and gained 20 lbs. Yeah...really made my parents suffer, huh?

When I was a Junior in high school (my first year in Illinois) I had stayed home sick for two days. My girlfriend called me up and asked me to go out. I convinced my Mom that it was a good idea. We went to a friend's and had many, many screw drivers and played some pool. That is the last of the evening that I personally remember, the rest has been told to me. We left my friend's house and went out. First I convinced them to go to Taco Bell where I threatened the guy behind the counter to find me my boyfriend as I needed to talk to him. Then we ended up at a White Hen (the midwest version of a 7/11) where I met up with a newbie police officer. It was his first week out of the academy. I went up and knocked on his window to say hello. He realized I was intoxicated and under age. So he was going to take me in. On the drive to the police station I threw his tie out the window and was wearing his hat till I passed out. Fearing I might choke if I got sick he took me to the fire station for an ambulance ride to the hospital. I was admitted. I was fighthing them and had to be strapped down till my Mom arrived and made them let me go. I proceeded to punch the nurse in the face before passing out. I open my eyes in the morning and see nothing but white. Thought I was dead. Then I saw my Mom and knew I was dead!! But my Mom was so glad that I was alive, she took me shopping...apparently two kids ODed while I was there.

I was engaged to be married prior to my husband to an abusive man. I fled in the night.

I bought my first house on my own when I was 28.

I did Chow rescue for 2 years and then later did cat/kitten rescue for 1 year. I had to struggle to give them back every.single.time.

I have volunteered my whole life. From teaching Down Syndrome children to swim at the Y to counseling assistant for a women's battered shelter.

I hope I haven't bored you with this little glimpse into me...thanks for listening.

CD3

So I got AF on Saturday. Started spotting on Friday and prayed it was implantation bleeding, but alas...AF. So I called my RE's office this morning and am waiting to hear back about my protocol appointment. I start BCPs tonight. I have got to get in and have my HIV test done and bug Jimmy to get his done. Then it looks like about 6 weeks and we should be doing our ER/ET and then waiting. So in two months time we will know if it worked!! I am freaking out and so scared. Last chance keeps flying through my mind. I know it doesn't have to be...but I can't stop it from entering my brain. I have to have my thyroid checked again to make sure the new meds have me back in a good place. Kills me that my thyroid once again could have sabotaged my efforts and attempts. I hate to think that I am jumping the gun on the IVF. But at the same time I would hate to put it off and then have it be too late when I decide that the time has finally come. I think the time has to be now and I just have to stop second guessing myself about it all. I'm doing it and that is that. I say my prayers and hope for the best.

The Weekend

So...my little sister is visiting. She just had her twin sons in December, so she is here from Illinois so my Mom can help her. She also has a 2 1/2 year old, and he seems to be the most work :) So my older sister is coming up from West Palm to see her. So we are all getting together for a drink tonight after work. Of course since I got the release from my doctor finally to sign up at the health club (ironic much?) Jimmy is chomping at the bit to go work out together. So we are squeezing that in before going to meet them. I also work late again tonight...so I should be thoroughly exhausted by the time we get to the restaurant. But hopefully I can manage to keep my eyes open for a drink or two. It's always fun being with my sisters. And hopefully everyone is in a good mood and we can laugh some.

So, the plan is...

I wait for CD1. I call the RE's office nurse and she sets me up for our day long protocol appointment. Possibly do a mock transfer to run through it. Get our meds and find out a better idea of the schedule to come in the following weeks. So I'm looking at about 6 weeks till the ER/ET. That will be the beginning of March. So there it is. I have to get my HIV testing once we get the bloodwork paperwork. As well as my BCP script so I can begin them on CD3. Weird going back on BCPs, figured I was done with them foreveer. As it wouldn't really be necessary to take them after we stop trying as getting pregnant does not happen to be something I excel at :) But it's only for a short time and for a wonder cause. So I will do it, just this once...

Hmm...

I had not heard back from the nurses at my RE's office after three messages left. So I had decided on my own that I would just push back our appointment so that we didn't have to worry about going while I had my period. So I do this. Not 10 minutes later the nurse calls me back. Tells me that I don't actually need an appointment. That Jimmy and I both need to be HIV tested and they will call in BCP script for me and that I call them on Day 1 and start taking the pills on CD3. So I have another call into the nurse so I can understand the rest of the process. Does that mean that I will start meds this coming month and do the IVF in February. Or do I do the BCPs for a month and then start the shots and protocol next month? I have to get some more specifics from the chicky if I am not going to have a protocol appointment. What meds am I doing? That's a biggie. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for not having to drive to Orlando for a quick appointment but she caught me off guard and I didn't ask any of the right questions. So now I have my head on and I need to talk to her again and get some answers and idea of what is next, beyond the BCPs. It's happening pretty fast either way. This month or next. This month or next? This month or next!!

IVF

So we had the seminar last night. It was a long night with travel and them starting late. But we got through it. Had some moron who kept asking stupid questions just to hear himself speak. There is one in every crowd. After 2.5 years on the boards, there wasn't much for me to learn about this whole process. But it was good to have it all gone through. Jimmy got that glazed look on his face again. I think he retained some of it :) Called today for my pre-IVF protocol consult and they can't see us till the 27th. Which is (a) Jimmy's birthday and (b) right about when AF is supposed to show her ugly face. So I mentioned this to the receptionist and she said to leave a message for the nurse. I haven't heard back. Have to find out if AF comes before/at the time of the consult will that mean pushing back a month or how does that work. I am stressing it as Jimmy starts his new position at work on Monday so time off is not easy for him. He keeps telling me not to worry until I have to. To wait and see what they say and not to get ahead of myself. I don't even realize I am stressed...but when he points it out...so...now I breathe deep and wait to hear from the nurse.

Moving forward

Had dinner with my Poopsie last night and he handed me a big fat check. So financially, we are all set for this IVF. Tonight is the seminar. Then I assume my protocol appointment with my RE. I had pushed my primary to retest my thyroid and it came back high. So they have upped my dosage...and I pray it does not affect our IVF. It's all starting to happen. I am so excited and terrified all wrapped into one little burrito. Hopefully after tonight I'll have a better idea of our time table. And I want to talk to them about is our snow babies, should there be any. I am praying that I am not too old to donate them to someone. That would be the answer to my prayers and such a load off my heart. Don't know if we'll even have any, but I want to know they have a home if I do.

International

Thank You Day...so THANK YOU!! I so appreciate the comments and love that you have given me to my rants and ramblings. There are days...so thanks again. Much love and eternal gratitude.

Excited

So thanks to my ILs (that includes my BIL) we were able to get a new fridge this weekend. We had to replace our stove a few months back since I killed our old one. Melted it. Yes, that's possible, who knew? So Jimmy must have mentioned to his family that I wanted to get a new fridge to match the new stainless gas stove. So they have us gift cards and we made it happen this weekend. I am in love with it. It's pretty and bigger than my old one. Not to mention that we have water and ice on the door again, our old one had stopped doing that months ago. And to make me happy Jimmy surprised me while I was getting James' hair cut with buying and installing a new stove vent that is stainless as well. So our appliances all match in color and manufacturer. Woot woot. We have to paint our cabinets and put on new hardware and our kitchen is 100% done!! So freaking excited. We're going to start saving to do the wood floors on the other side of the house. Jimmy also sanded our front door so he can paint it blue this coming weekend. Just ran out of time this weekend. He got all the front trim done and the numbers painted and up. So we don't look like the ghetto house on the block anymore. Love it!!

Stupid cat...

So I come home yesterday and walk towards my bedroom. I keep picking up what I think is leaves all over the floor. I'm yelling to Jimmy, "Why are there leaves all over our house?". I guess he didn't hear me. And then I come upon the core of a rose bud. And I run to my tea cup where I keep my memory flowers. One from my grandmother's funeral and one from the roses that Jimmy sent me when we first started dating. And they are gone. The fucking cat tore them to shreds. Completely unrepairable and absolute garbage. I actually cried for a second. I was so disappointed. Irreplaceable. I could not even look at the cat for the rest of the day. I was so upset. I even moved them to a very high spot in my bedroom so that he would not be tempted to play with them. I know he isn't really to blame. But I am so angry at him anyway. ::sigh::

On another note. I went to my nuerologist yesterday. I do not have the antibody. So I can do the every four week IV at the hospital rather than the daily injections. That is a good thing. That was his first choice for me and I think after doing the injections for my medicated cycles that I am relieved I don't have to do that daily for the rest of my life. He also said that all my tests except for my thryoid (which I already knew about) came back with no immunity issues. That is a huge plus as I guess when you have one immunity issue (and I have two now) it is super common to start having more and more break down. I do have to contact my RE and check if I can take B12 supplements while I am TTC as I was very low on that. I was also low on Vitamin D, but he is rechecking that when I have my thryoid checked again for my pre-IVF test. He did say that my face plant into the sidewalk on Monday night was probably one of my first "symptoms" of my disease. Not a fan...but what can you do? I guess a face plant one a year isn't too bad compared to what I could have happening. So now we wait to see if my IVF is successful and either after pregnancy or after the IVF if unsuccessful we begin the IV meds. I'm terrified...but I've had to face alot of things that I've been pretty scared of in these last few months. They say what doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. Then why do I always feel so weak? I should feel indestructable!!

IVF Seminar

We are supposed to go to our IVF Seminar next Wednesday, the 12th. However we realized that every single family member of our's is going to be out of town. Hence, no babysitter for James. I have to call my RE and see if he can come with us. Not sure how that will work out and if they say no, does that mean another month? ::sigh::

2011

So...CD1 of 2011 = CD1 of Cycle 27...ah the irony. So we move forward. Have our IVF Seminar on the 12th. But I swear the universe is out to rub it in my face. I walk into church and my Mom has all the things that she wants to give me in a Baby gift bag. Really Mom? Then I get up to do my reading, which for the first time ever I didn't have in advance to practice, and it's all about women swollen with baby. Seriously? I had to fight to not cry while reading it in front of my whole church. I hate public emotion. Pisses me off!! Then Jimmy and I decide that we are going to get back into CSI: Miami. We watch the oldest On-Demand episode they have. It's about a pregnant woman who is injured. And one of the suspects is her best friend who has tried for 3 years to get pregnant with every possible means and is unsuccessful and jealous. Can you kick me again, pretty please? But I was a big girl. Hiked up my panties and watch the damn episode. I'm gearing up for my little sister's visit. And meeting her new twin sons. I can't wait to meet them...and I dread holding them in my arms at the same time. Will it ever be my turn?

Jimmy and I talked about adoption if our IVF cycle is not successful. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Am I setting myself up for another failure? They can take years and can be very heart breaking from what I've read. Not to mention another huge financial hit. Maybe I will take Jimmy up on his psuedo-joke and just adopt that French bulldog I have always wanted and call it a day. Maybe we will just foster children in need. Although Jimmy swears I would never be able to give them back after I've had them in my home and my heart. I just don't know where we go from here. Hold me...I'm so confused and sad.