Friday, May 13, 2011


I fear so much with this pregnancy/baby. I fear losing the pregnancy. 2 previous miscarriages will do that to a person. And with all we went through for this pregnancy, we would not be able to try again. We would have to move forward in a different direction. I direction I had prayed I would never have to head. I keep hoping at each stage that the fear will lessen on this and I will be more confident in the pregnancy. It still may...but right now...every symptom. I fear it's a bad sign. Every change in a symptom...does it mean that the pregnancy is not viable anymore? Then I fear crazy things like pooping during labor. Or where am I going to be when my water breaks? Will it be the most inappropriate time/place? I'm too afraid to take any meds for my morning sickness (that lasts all day). Too afraid to take any meds at all for that matter. And lastly, after wanting to be a Mom since I was conceived I think...I fear being a bad Mom. I fear not bonding with my baby. Or worse...the baby not bonding with me. That there will just be a disconnect...and I will be devastated. As I've gotten older in life, I have become a less patient person in general. I fear that since I didn't have a child when I was younger and more youthful and full of exuberance...I should not have had one now. That I'm too old for this gig. I have wanted this for so long...I am so terrified of being disappointed in the reality of it. Am I insane, apparently so...but I can not control the fear. I try not to share it with Jimmy as he might not understand after all I put us both through to make this a reality, not feeling simply pure joy. And I am not get me wrong. I am thankful every day that this worked and I am pregnant. I don't even mind the m/s (well, maybe I do when I have it :), the pains and cramps. But the fear is always there..bubbling under the surface of happiness. Just waiting to grab my ankle and rear it's ugly head again. Lurking...always lurking.

1 comment:

  1. ((hugs))
    It does get better. I think at least half of my posts in 1st tri said the same things. Hang in there!