Progesterone

bloodwork drawn this morning. Waiting to hear the results from my RE's office. She said I would be lucky if they had an answer by tomorrow. Next step will be a HPT. Or that bitch showing up!!

It's official

I have MS. I was diagnosed on Wednesday, November 24th. The day before Thanksgiving. So far I am feeling very calm about it. No panic, no freak out. Just acceptance. Other feelings may come later. I think the fact that it is not going to push our TTC back again. And that he told me that we will wait on treatment till we try IVF and finish the pregnancy after to start treatment. That he feels that it started 10 years ago with my double vision. 10 years. I guess it doesn't seem too scary knowing that I have already been living with it. I don't know. My little sister said that I was freaking her out with my calmness. My Mom called Jimmy to make sure I wasn't putting on a good front for her. I called my siblings and let them know. I told my Mom and my grandfather (who only cared that it was not going to affect us having a baby...got to love him :). I have not as yet told my Dad. I figured when I spoke to him on Thanksgiving I would tell him. But since he sent me a generic, mass text message. Not so much. So I have to do that in the future. I haven't told my work or my ILs. I just don't know how to say it to other people. It's strange. I'm sure it will come to me when the time is right.

Right now I am just exhausted from four days of eating carbs like they were being banned. I haven't been eating them at all, so this little binge of mine really hit me. I need to get back to being a good girl. Ugh...not good Heather. Jimmy and I went to Tampa and had a lovely weekend for our anniversary. It was perfect and I wouldn't change a thing. Thanksgiving was a wonderful day with family and food. Could not ask for anything more. Tomorrow I go for my progesterone blood work and then see where things are at from there. Moving right along!!

Happy, Happy

Thanksgiving ALL!!

Trying to remain calm

I have my nuerologist appointment tomorrow. The one with the MS guru. They just called to confirm my appointment. I am trying not to freak out. Trying to remind myself that if I do in fact have MS, I already have it. Freaking out isn't going to change it. The effects it will have on my body right now are things I am already dealing with. And maybe this will mean a plan. A plan to diminish them somewhat. A plan to prevent them from worsening. Maybe this amazing doctor will tell me that I don't have MS. Who knows? It's a mystery right now and I just need to be open to whatever it is he is going to tell me. I will have my amazing husband by my side. To hold my hand, hug me and see the bright side of whatever is coming my way.

Then it's Thanksgiving. I'm off Friday. Jimmy works. So I'll putz around and clean the house since we have Bart coming to hang out with the beasts. Yes, Jimmy and I are going out of town for the weekend. Celebrating the first stupendous year of our marriage. I can't believe it's been a year and then I can't believe it's only been a year. Granted we've been together a lot longer than that...but still. Crazy. Right now I'm debating whether to bring out cake topper with us or to have it when we return. Change my mind daily, it's the Gemini in me. I guess we'll see what my feelings are the day we head out. Could go either way!!

HSG

So I am finished with my HSG. It sucked donkey dick. But it's past. I have a titled uterus. Scarring on my cervix from my laser surgery in 1991 for cancerous cysts. But my tubes are clear and I am "normal". Never thought I would love being called that word, but damn it's a beautiful thing. Jimmy dropped off his SA this morning. Said it was super embarrassing as they kept yelling, is that the specimen? He wanted to die. Poor thing. Said the quantity was on the low side, so we'll see what they have to say. I got the results of my first series of bloodwork. My egg reserve shows that I do in fact still have eggs. Not many, due to age, but some :) All I can ask for at this point. My blood is clotting as it should. My progesterine was not as high as they would like it, so I see progesterine suppositories in my future. But what can you do? They are supposed to call me with the results of last Friday's bloodwork and Jimmy's SA by tomorrow at the latest. I thought it would take a lot longer, but am thrilled to hear answers as soon as possible. So far there is nothing stopping us from moving forward with the IVF after this cycle. I believe there is a BCP month before we do the actual ER and such. So maybe January? Pop went into his financial advisor and signed the papers to get the money. I can't believe that this is all moving so fast now. I'm terrified and so freaking excited. I have wanted to be pregnant for as long as I can remember. And that it might actually finally happen is so amazing. Jimmy put his hand on my stomach last night and said, "We might be there soon Babe." Really hit me. I think I had started to think that it might not be. That I might never get to experience those feelings. But now...I have hope again. Never thought it would cost me this much to bring this dream to fruition. But it might happen. IT MIGHT REALLY HAPPEN!!

Crazy weeks...

So I work all week. And pick up James as usual. But this week and next week as well are going to be a little nutty. I'm like the 80 year who's life is all wrapped around doctor's appointments. Tonight I have physical therapy. Tomorrow I have my HSG ::bites nails::. Wednesday is physical therapy as well as Thursday. Friday I have my ultra sound. Which will hopefully lead to my trigger shot...fingers crossed. Right now to quote my husband, I am a pharmacists wet dream. I am on my normal meds (Valtrex that I will take forever for an eye infection and my hypothryoidism synthetic meds) and I am also taking Femara and an antibiotic for the HSG. I have such a time table of keeping track of morning vs. night meds. As well as trying to track down my injectable since the original pharmacy does not contract with my insurance. I talked to a very nice woman and am just waiting to hear back. Hope it gets here in time. Then next week I'm not sure what days my physical therapy will be on. But I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday. Wednesday I have my scary meet and greet with my nuerologist, the MS guru. I'm terrified of that one. Could change the whole course of my life in a few moments. That night I have my pre-Thanksgiving cook off at my Mom's. Not many of us this year. Thursday is Thanksgiving. Doing my Mom's early. More like lunch with us and my one sister's family. Then dinner at my ILs. We just have my SIL and us. And since the boys are not coming (SIL and her fiance split and BIL is with his new bride's family) we aren't even having turkey. We're having lamb chops at my FIL's request. It will actually be nice to not have turkey for two meals. Friday I get a day of rest. Then Saturday Jimmy and I are driving to Tampa for our anniversary. Staying over Saturday night and driving back on Sunday. Probably going to the zoo or aquarium on Saturday. Out to dinner that night. Staying at a nice downtown hotel. Breakfast on Sunday morning with a little walking around. Then back home to claim James. It's going to be insane...but hopefully that will be a nice "reward" for all the bullshit of these two weeks. Somewhere in there is the perfectly timed sex. And this week on Wednesday I have to nag Jimmy into dropping off his SA at the hospital. Fun times :)

Primping

So I realized this morning that whenever I have any appointment for IF, be it the RE or bloodwork or a procedure. I find myself primping more than usual. I get a little more dressed up. Wear a dress, heels, the whole 9 yards. It's not that I'm trying to impress or attract anyone in the offices I am visiting. I think that this all makes me feel like less of a woman, so by gussying up...I am compensating. Silly, yes. But true. And it's funny. I have met so many amazing women during this journey. And never once have I had these thoughts about them. But when it comes to me...I feel "less" for not being able to do what other women do all the time. I think part of it stems from having a very fertile family. My mother had 7 children. My sisters have had children everytime they wanted. Even my SILs have been successful as soon as they decided they wanted to. So why not me? ::sigh:: Just the way it goes I guess. So I donned my pretty dress. Put on my highest heels. Double checked my make up and hair and set out to get my blood drawn this morning. I'm a freak, yes..but I look damn good...tee hee.

The Plan

So I start Femara tomorrow. Take it through Tuesday. Tuesday I go for my HSG test. Friday I go for an ultra sound. At some point I will do a trigger shot. To try for perfectly timed sex. If this program does not work...our only option will be IVF. So we are working on the financing for that hugely expensive and completely OOP situation. Wish us luck!!

CD1

Yup...again!! So I put in a call to the RE's office to see what happens regarding meds and such for this cycle. I made an appointment for them to take another million viles of my blood on Friday morning. I have to call and find out about my HSG and where I can have it and how much it's going to cost and if I need to go back to the RE's office (an hour and a half away) or if I can do it locally. Have to find out where Jimmy can do his SA done. I had a major break down last night. Swollen eyes today for my troubles. You would think I would be used to it...but I'm not. It still hurts. I just feel so broken, in so many ways. Did not want to come to work today, but staying home was not an option. So here I am. Of course my car wouldn't start and I had to wait for Jimmy to turn around and come back. It was one of the connections on my battery was "loose". Not a big deal once he got there. But a major pain in the ass. And of course when I go to drop James off late, for the first time in the four years he has been in school, his class is at a choral assembly and I have to walk him to it and then try and find his class/teacher amongst the entire school. Fun stuff. But what can you do? And now I am gearing up to talk to my grandfather tomorrow about IVF funds and if he was serious about helping us. Otherwise we have to look into financing ::sigh::

"New" car

...well, new for me :) Thursday night Jimmy jumped on autotrader again and there was a new listing for a Infinity Q45 the car that we have been looking at. It was cream and the mileage was lower than any of the ones we planned to go and see in Orlando. So Friday I called the guy and kept in touch with him. I got out of work early and we started the 2.5 hour drive to the other side of Florida to view it. Ended up buying it. A quick stop at Ruby Tuesday's for dinner and then 2.5 hours back...this time in seperate cars. I chatted with one of my sisters to make the time go by faster. Saturday Jimmy detailed the hell out of the car and we got a license plate cover and a steering wheel cover and such silly stuff. Yesterday Jimmy took it to have it aligned. Now it is perfect. I love it!! Sorry Betsy, but it's time for you to retire and live the lazy life :)

::sigh::

Well, they found the lesions do extend into my brain. Not good I guess. And I guess this is not accident related. I am being referred to a nuerologist. A MS guru. I have not been diagnosed with MS, or anything else for that matter. But I guess they thought it was prudent that I see someone who might be able to assist me if that is the way things end up going. I started doing research on the disease and was shocked by some of the things that came up from my past/life that could be related to this. They could also have nothing to do with it. So now that I know what the disease is, I have stepped back from google and will wait till I meet with the doctor and then go from there. I really hope this does not affect pregnancy or TTC. I am trying to not let it get me down.

Saturday we are driving up to Orlando to look at two cars. Hopefully, one of them will end up being my new car. Not new from the factory, but new for Heather :) Which is the same thing as far as I'm concerned. I'm excited. Every time I get in Betsy, I think...not much longer girl. I'll show you pics should the car come to fruition. I'm excited that we are going to pay outright, so no additional car payment. Once we get rid of Betsy, we will be down to one super small payment for Jimmy's car. Not too shabby.

More updates...

So I had my brain MRI on Monday night. It was truly horrible. They strapped my head down inside a box and then slid me into the MRI tube. Ran the tests then slid me back out and told me to remain still while they inserted the contrast. I had to guide her through my veins, left side...they roll...while I'm inside this horrible box. After she did the contrast...but not because of the contrast...I started getting really hot and thought I was going to be sick. Inside the box. Which started giving me a panic attack. I knew it was close to the end and didn't want to stop it and have to start from the beginning again. So I pictured my happy place...me very pregnant walking on the beach with James running in front of me. Chasing birds and running from the waves while collecting shells and Jimmy walking down to join us. And with that I was able to make it through and run to the bathroom after. It was horrible and I pray I never have to do it again.

RE appointment went as we expected/hoped/feared. Nothing indiates any issues at this point other than our age. Shocker..we're old!! Jimmy has to have an SA. I have to have an HSG and some other tests on CD 2-3 of next cycle as well as some fasting tests, which I can do at the same time. Then if all goes well with those we will do possibly Femara if needed from the results of one of the tests that required 8 vials of blood yesterday. Also had another dildo cam u/s. Love those. We will also do a HCG trigger shot and timed sex this coming cycle while we wait on the testing to be completed. If this does not work and all tests show we are clear...then we leap frog over IUI and go directly to IVF. And due to cost, and since we are OOP we would only be able to afford 1 cycle (if my grandfather is still helping us out...I have to go and meet with him and share the details and see where we stand)...so it's all or nothing..if it's anything at all. Scary, exciting and frustrating all wrapped into one messy TTC box. But that's the hand we've been dealt. If the IVF does not work. It's on to more indepth discussions about fostering/adoption and where we want to go from there.

The doctor thought Jimmy was Jewish since he asked if he had any history of Ty Sachs. There is a middle eastern heritage issue, but his family has no history. The billing chick was funny and was shuffling through her papers and I asked a question and she finally looked at me and stops and says, "You are SO cute". Which was a nice tension breaker. Then at the end she looked at Jimmy and said, "I see we are done here, he's got the completely glazed over look on his face." and she was right. He was so overwhelmed. But we snuggled last night and had a great talk about everything. On the way home we stopped to pick up James and bought Chinese to share with my Mom. It was a nice way to end the day.

November has been a long month already and it's only the 3rd!!

Weekend...

My Mom had her garage sale on Saturday. She cried alot...but I got her to laugh a few times. I told her I felt like a one man show :) But I am so excited as I convinced Jimmy to let me take my grandmother's hutch since my Mom could not keep it. And so in the next week we will go and pick that up and the antique ice chest that I am getting as well. I can not wait. Sunday Jimmy and I rearranged our entire house getting ready for those pieces and setting up the pieces that his Dad had given us from his old partner's office. Everything is starting to look really finished and I am loving it. We moved our leather couch/chair set into the family room. We're giving Michielle (one of my sisters) our old couch from in there as well as an hour glass mirror and this huge sale boat. She will be thrilled. We still have to pick out a new dining room table. Got the chairs, but haven't found the "right" table. We just have to have the tim to look. And Jimmy needs to move the new desk in and I'll have to transfer the drawers over. Then it's just picking up the two pieces from my Ps' house and setting them up. Have not had the time to decide on what I want to put in the hutch as yet. Maybe my glasses, which would create some more space in my itty bitty kitchen, which is always good. Decisions, decisions.

On another note. Jimmy and I were talking in anticipation of our RE appointment tomorrow. Since we our OOP on anything that we do. We might suggest to the doctor bypassing IUI completely and moving directly to IVF. I have watched so many of the girls struggle though 5/6 IUIs with no success, but have seen so much success with the IVFs. And since my Grandfather is giving us the money, I would hate to throw away the chance at the funds for the IVF on IUIs that might not work. I think we might be better off to see if he'll pay for one IVF and see what happens. But we're whating on what the doctor says.