Phantom Symptoms...

bwahaha...and not in a good way. I had never really experienced phantom symptoms. I had always thought those ladies who talked about them were insane. So when I got symptoms this time, I thought for sure that it was for real. But...alas...God has other plans for us :) So I chalk it up to a longer LP :cheers here:: and that my surgeon appointment on Friday will not be complicated by a pregnancy. I have to say, taking those pregnancy tests made this month alittle harder than others. But I have to also say that it's a good step for my body and it means that I will be ready to get pregnant when it's right. Maybe after my surgery so I don't have to go through pain for 9 months with no meds. All for a reason, and all in it's time. I truly put it in God's hands yesterday at church and bright and early this morning he gave me his answer. Not the one I might have wanted. But the one I got. And it's good and I will move, upward and onward. Never straight, always forward!!

11 DPO...

and a stupid BFN. I am more irritated with myself for not waiting longer knowing all the statistics and the chances of a + at 11 DPO. But I had to POAS anyway and bum myself out. And now I have to get to the store and buy another as my temp is still 97.9, I am still bloated all the way down to my vajayjay. I am still nauseaous. I am still tired and irratable (even though I am on my happy pill...OB said it was safe until I got a BFP and then stop). My boobs have not been affected, so maybe that's a bad sign. Or maybe my boobies take awhile to participate. They could be procrastinators. Who knows? I'm making Jimmy go shopping with me tonight and I am going to by me a new pair of black shoes. I deserve something nice and I'm going to make it happen. So there BFN...take that!! And now I guess I will wait till 13 DPO and see what that brings me, as long as my temps continue to be at fever pitch!! Come on temps...you can do it!

Two more...

DPO with high temps. I actually bought a HPT so I would have it if I made it to Saturday with no AF (that's when FF suggests I test). I have short LPs, so making it to 10 DPO at all is a great thing for me. The whole reason I started charting again even though we were supposed to be TTA :) I checked my Knocked Up shirt for DH and made sure I knew were it was. I have had that damn thing sitting on a shelf in my closet for way too long. Putting it on would be amazing!!

I've had my share of symptoms, but only time will if they are phantom or reality. Besides the temp I have been very bloated. I am nauseous every morning. I have very little appetite (won't complain about that one, worst case scenario I lose some weight before AF). And I am going to bed and out like a light much earlier than I usually do. DH complained that I was going in earlier and earlier. I also usually have a horrible sense of smell, and it's been very heightened lately. I'm almost afraid to put this all on "paper" as I don't want to jinx it...

Not sure if I'm going to make it to Saturday but do not want to see a negative test...so I think I'm going to have to force myself to wait. Patience is a virtue...but one that I don't have!!

On a side note. I was talking to James last night and he says to me, "Guess what two people I love the most (knowing the real answer is Daddy and me)?" I respond "Ummmm...Scooby Doo and Popeye" and with the most sweet and angelic face he shouts, "I love chicken pot pie!!" I burst out in the best belly laugh I have had in a long time. He had no idea why that was funny to me, but now he says, "I love chicken pot pie" to try and make me giggle. So freaking cute!!

Second day...

of a temp of 97.9! I was all set to test today, but then the GP ladies reminded me that it might be too early. That accuracy is based on your DPO rather than your scheduled AF arrival. Boo. So now I have to wait till this weekend to test. I guess for now I should be thrilled with my high temps and pray that they continue.

Hmm...

So first I need to correct my own stupidity. I am scheduled to test this Saturday, but my doctor appointment isn't till next Friday. So that actually works out better as I will know if I am in fact pregnant and can throw that into the mix of it all :) Speaking of. I am a little freaked out and excited and terrified all wrapped up in one. In the year that I have been on GP I have charted for 6 months of that time. In that time frame my chart has followed the exact same order. The length of pre O and LP have varied, but my temperature has been extremely consistent in it's pattern. Again it can jump from temp to temp in different patterns, but the overall pattern is the same in that I consistently am in the mid to high 60s pre O and then creep up to eventually hit 97.8 degrees post O. I then start to drop temps till I hit my pre O temps and AF arrives. Every month. This month, I had my same pre O temps and then I started to climb, but stopped at 97.6 and then dropped down to a pre O temp and then came back up to a post O temp and this morning spiked to 97.9, a higher temp than I have ever had. So I finally understand the women who say they obsess over their chart. Mine were always so consistent there was nothing to obsess over. Well, I have now done every analysis of my current vs. past charts. I've done comparisons on my temps vs. pregnant FF women and sex pattern vs. pregnant FF women. It's insanity!! This is the first time in the year I have been doing this that I am actually contemplating purchasing a HPT and peeing on a stick!! WOW...

Jimmy has no control...

and as a result, I am once again in the 2ww that I am not supposed to be in for a little while longer. I swear that man is like a HS boy! FF says our timing was "good". I meet with the nuerologist/surgeon next Friday and FF has my test day as Saturday. It should be interesting to see what the doc has to say about pregnancy and how much it will affect everything. Can I have the surgery if I am in fact pregnant? Will I have to go the entire pregnancy sans my meds and in excruciating pain? I'm not sure I have the strength for that. But I guess time will tell. Much as I desperately want a baby, I just popped a pain pill and know that I probably will not survive 9 months not being able to take that and the muscle relaxer I take daily. Not to mention the diabetic numbness meds I take to alleviate the pin prick pain in the other hand. I'm finally getting used to writing and typing with no feeling in my primary hand. Ask me now and I'll tell you I can't do it...ask me in 5 minutes and I'll tell you that I will do 9 months + of pain for a baby. It's the Gemini in me, or maybe I'm just schizo!

Mimi's doctor...

Several times since all my back issues have come up, my grandfather (Pop) has told me that I should go and see my deceased grandmother (Mimi)'s nuerosurgeon if it ever came to that. I didn't listen to him and sat and waited (I'm in the fourth week and still waiting) for the surgical PA to contact from my Pain Management doctor's service. I called to check on my Pop last week and he once again told me that I would be smart to call her doctor. I asked his name and location. Dr Paine, hmm...should that make me nervous? Tee hee. So, frustrated with the lack of interest from the first doctor's office, I did some research, found out the doc is in my insurance program. So I called my primary (my insurance requires a referral) and left a long, drawn out message for her poor secretary explaining who I was and what I was looking for. 1 hour later my cell phone rings, I'm expecting my primary. It's not, it's Dr. Paine's office. My primary's office is so on the ball that they had already contacted them with the referral and his office is so with it that they immediately contacted me for an appointmnet. Granted I have to wait for October 2nd, which is 3 weeks away and thier first opening. But I have an appointment. Plus, I figure that the surgeon in my PM doctor's service would just take her word for things and do the surgery. Dr. Paine is independent and will do his own analysis and make his own decisions. And that means they won't be slitting my throat if it's not necessary :) Now I just have to wait...again!!

Dreams...

Jimmy had my dream. He told me that he dreamt that I was pregnant. We go to the u/s and they tell us it's twins!! I started giggling so hard that the tech couldn't do her job. She was all set to reprimand me, till she saw his horrified face and started to giggle with me. My dream...Jimmy's nightmare!

I keep telling him that this time will be different; this time he will not be a single Dad. We're doing this together. We've got each other's back in this as in everything in life.

He still looks horrified at the mention of twins, and I still giggle every time :)

Waiting...

I have truly come to believe that life is all about waiting. You are always looking to the next "thing". Be it good or bad. Right now I'm waiting for the Surgical PA to call me. I'm waiting to find out how long I have to wait to have my surgery. Whether it's going to mean a longer TTC break than I had originally thought. I am so disappointed. But I know I need to do what I need to do to make me better. But come on. I am 37 years old!! I don't even know if I can get pregnant because I haven't even really been able to try. I had to get past BCPs, now I'm on hold while my medicine is given a chance to work. Next it's going to be surgery. Waiting to have it, then waiting while I heal. Then...could it be possible? Coule I possible be able to try and bring the biggest dream of my life to fruition? Seriously? I'm going to be allowed to even try and get pregnant. Nothing else is going to get in the way? I am so crossing my fingers for that...it's been WAY too long already. I am not a patient woman, and I swear God loves to taunt me with this lesson time and time again. Okay, I get the message. But I also think it's been beaten to death and it should be time...time to allow for the possibility. Time to bring our own miracle into this world. Time to create life...PLEASE...

Argh...

I got AF after a very short cycle AGAIN. I guess I better start charting more seriously even though we aren't TTc right now, but so I can see if I have concerns with short LPs or where my cycle is going wonky. Okay...back to charting for me. Bought a new pink BBT thermostat. So I am prepared and ready to rumble. Watch out AF, I'm on your ass girl and prepared to get you to tow the line.

Why...

is my family falling apart?? First we get the news that my Dad has prostate cancer. He is now two weeks into his eight week radiation stint. Next on Sunday my sister hears a pop in her back and can not move. Taken to the emergency room by ambulance. Surgery on Tuesday after no feeling in her legs. Wednesday things looked good, she could wiggle her toes and was in very good spirits. Yesterday (Thursday) she takes a turn for the worse. Having trouble breathing, vomitting all food up, violent headache. Checked for blood clots. None found. Issues remain unsolved or diagnosed. No visitors allowed in to see her at all. Not even during the very limited ICU visiting hours. Mom heads down anyway and Michielle and I are heading out today after working partial days. I pray that we can see her. I pray that they find the cause of her discomfort and she can begin to heal. That she is released soon so she can be comfortable at home and see her girls who are too young to go into ICU. I'm sure she's really missing them. I personally now have to have a similar surgery, but on my neck (at the base near back). The numbness is not improving beyond the pin prickles going away. The numbness is there going strong. I am at the point where I can't do buttons or put earring backs on. Too small and I don't have the control over my hand to master it. The pain is back in my left shoulder and arm. It has gotten worse. The PM doctor said that it was a pretty severe case and if the meds didn't work or it got worse, the only remaining option is surgery. I have put in calls to the office to find out (a) what is the name of the surgery they will be doing on me and (b) who they are referring me to. I would like to do research on both for my own (and DH's) peace of mind. But also so they can get the referral into the surgeon's office and I can get on thier books to see him/her. DH asked if me I was going to wait till 2010 as we have a crap load of stuff going on at the end of this year. I told him I would love to, but I don't know if I can live like this much more. It's gone on too long and I'm exhausted and just want to feel better. I don't think it's too much to ask. Unfortunately, since the doctor's office has not returned any of my calls, I may not have a say in the matter. I hate waiting on returned calls, so frustrating. But fingers crossed. And right now, I'm too focused on worrying about Danielle to even think about what is to come...