Wordless Wednesday

Clearblue Easy OPKs

That's my new try. I tried the cheapie ones that Heather sent me and never got a true positive. So I got frustrated with them. Then MSC sent me her OV watch, but it can't read me. So I got really frustrated. But I have decided to continue trying rather than just throwing my hands up. So I am trying Clearblue Easy digital OPKs. I used it for the first time this morning. CD9 and got an open circle. Meaning negative. Which I expected. What I pray for and continue to remain optomistic about is some day getting a smiley face and knowing that it worked for me. That would be so exciting in itself :)

I had an amazing weekend with Jimmy. I think having that time just us two and having so much fun with him has made me a little less afraid of that being our future. Not having any more children then James won't be the end of the world. If we don't get pregnant. If we are too old to adopt. If we decide against fostering. I would be okay with just us. Just the three of us as a family....I can be happy with that. I can find joy without pregnancy or a baby of my own. I can love the life that has been put before me. I can and I will!!

So on that note. I have canceled my RE appointment and I am going to focus on the family that we already have and making that the best it can be. And when the time is righ I'll know it and I won't be hemming and hawing daily about it. I'll know and I'll do what I have to do and we'll see where it takes us at that time. I must be at peace with my decision as my eczyme has started going away. A good sign...a good sign indeed :) As good as the smiley face sign? Hmm...interesting question...

Can't say I dig...

the me I have been lately. I am frequently sad and often annoyed. I know where it's coming from. But I still don't care for it. For some reason this last month's lack of pregnancy hit me really hard. I had truly thought that I was pregnant. Don't ask me why. I guess a combo of the stomach bug I had and me being insane :) But anywho. I did and AF was a major slap in the face, especially coming early. Followed the next day by the announcement that my co-worker (who is a teenager and has a 5 month old) and his wife were pregnant again. That hurt. And that's one of my frustrations. If I was James I would tell you that I was 37 and 3/4s. So I'm no spring chicken. And I have always loved pregnant women. And adored children. Always. I am the baby whisperer. I love them and they love me. And I've lost that spark. That excitment. And I hate that. It's not been helped by the fact that his wife has stopped in every day this week since he told me. Even brought her adorable sister and her equally adorable 2 month old daughter. Yeah. I think they even made a joke about surrounding me with babies. Lovely. I couldn't muster up more excitement than inquiring as to her baby's name. Not my usual mode. I used to even look forward to this particular little boy coming to visit me. I have my brother and his 4 month old coming next month and I had been so excited. Can't find that excitement anymore. And since Jimmy is in the "relax, it will happen...don't think about it" boat...talking to him is futile. I think he even gets frustrated as he wants to fix it and he can't. So he gets annoyed when I cry or share my fears/concerns. Don't get me wrong. He is there for me always. But the emotional end of it makes him feel useless. So I try not to bring it to him. But that's hard too.

And another big part of these feelings is I am terrified. My left arm has started hurting and going numb. I just had surgery for this in October. Really? Can't I get a freaking break? Originally as I had a bruise as well we thought maybe I knocked it really hard and it was just bruised and irritated. But as more time goes on and it continues to be numb and hurt. I am truly terrifed. I don't even know if I call my surgeon or my regular doctor or what. I just want to crawl up somewhere and cry. And as an added bonus. Due to being so stressed, I assume about this whole not getting pregnant thing, my egzyme has come back. Not full force, but pretty good. Jimmy calls it Jungle Rot. Thanks hon. Love you too. I just need to snap out of it. Get back into a positive routine including working out and eating healthier. I might think about finally learning how to quilt. I have always wanted to and I got a sewing machine for Christmas. So the only thing stopping me is me.

I've started thinking alot about the future and other options for us. Fostering...adoption. Right now I am going to focus on getting our financial situation in a better way. I think in about a year we should be able to look at my working part time if we want to go that route. And that will open up alot more options for us. Whether we take advantage of the available funds or the available time. We'll be able to do alot more. But my biggest fear here is that we are not getting any younger. And pretty soon, we won't be eligible to do anything that requires the "system". But I guess we'll cross that bridge when/if we have to. I'm just trying to open my mind to what is out there and what means we might end up building our family through. Open mind...open heart :)

Wordless Wednesday

Bitter...

CD2...fvck...yeah :(

Half way...

through the 2ww. I'm still having weird temps. But I truly remain extemely optomistic :)

Faboo...

that is my mood this ugly, overcast and yucky day. Woke up feeling lovely and am running with it. Got cross hairs. I'm 3DPO right now :) So fingers crossed. Getting pregnant this cycle would mean saving the RE money for the pregnancy/birth instead. Which is how I would much rather spend the money. Jimmy dropped a bomb on me. Told me that it might be him. Huh? You have James...how could it be you? He said that him and Trash Bag were not avoiding for 3 years before she got pregnant. Hmm. Interesting. Not sure how or why...but I seem to have found my hope again. Thank you...I certainly missed it. It's a good friend to have around and I am thrilled to be surrounded by it again. How about you? Still have hope with you? No...come stand a little closer to me...I'll share mine!!

Losing hope...

So I've been feeling like it's never going to happen for us. I think making an RE appointment and then wanting to cancel it every 5 minutes since it's going to cost us a fortune we don't have has not been helping. We watched a show this weekend that had IF in it and I broke down in tears and asked Jimmy what would happen if I could never give him a baby. He of course was his sweet self and told me that he married me because he wanted me, not a baby. That I will always be enough for him and a baby would just be a bonus. I guess since he's already a Daddy, it's not so scary thinking it won't happen for us. I know he wants a child together, and maybe that will mean adoption for us...only time will tell. I've always had faith, but I am losing hope.

Recipe Time

Tuna Dumplings

1 (6 oz) can tuna, drained
1 egg
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 can condensed cream of broccoli soup
1 (12 fluid oz) can of evaporated milk
1 (8 oz) package refrigerated crescent rolls

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

2. In a small mixing bowl, combine tuna, egg, thyme, cheese, and salt. In another small bowl, mix the soup and milk together.

3. Flatten the crescent rolls one at a time. Place a small amount of tuna mixture on each roll (I divided mixture into 8ths). Fold over and seal edges.

4. Arrange stuffed crescent rolls in glass lasagna pan. Pour the soup mixture over the rolls. Bake in oven for 30 minutes.

OV Watch fail

So I got AF on Friday. Jimmy and I grabbed the OV Watch and read through the instructions. We insert the sensor and put the watch on. I hit the buttons it says and nothing. So Saturday morning Jimmy runs out and gets me a new battery. Comes home and puts it in. Try again, and bam...power!! So we put it on and program it for my CD2. Run the test, and it says NOT READING. We try every "trick" in the book and NOT READING. We try my other wrist, NOT READING. I try moving around and cleaning with it on. NOT READING. So Jimmy tries "playing" with the back and sensors. We try again. NOT READING. So I try calling Customer Service, the next step if you continue to get that reading. And of course, they are closed for the weekend. So I can't reach them till Monday, CD4 and one day too late to start the watch this cycle. HAH!! It just figures. This is why I never get excited about anything beforehand. Oh well. Maybe next cycle.