Friday, March 26, 2010

Can't say I dig...

the me I have been lately. I am frequently sad and often annoyed. I know where it's coming from. But I still don't care for it. For some reason this last month's lack of pregnancy hit me really hard. I had truly thought that I was pregnant. Don't ask me why. I guess a combo of the stomach bug I had and me being insane :) But anywho. I did and AF was a major slap in the face, especially coming early. Followed the next day by the announcement that my co-worker (who is a teenager and has a 5 month old) and his wife were pregnant again. That hurt. And that's one of my frustrations. If I was James I would tell you that I was 37 and 3/4s. So I'm no spring chicken. And I have always loved pregnant women. And adored children. Always. I am the baby whisperer. I love them and they love me. And I've lost that spark. That excitment. And I hate that. It's not been helped by the fact that his wife has stopped in every day this week since he told me. Even brought her adorable sister and her equally adorable 2 month old daughter. Yeah. I think they even made a joke about surrounding me with babies. Lovely. I couldn't muster up more excitement than inquiring as to her baby's name. Not my usual mode. I used to even look forward to this particular little boy coming to visit me. I have my brother and his 4 month old coming next month and I had been so excited. Can't find that excitement anymore. And since Jimmy is in the "relax, it will happen...don't think about it" boat...talking to him is futile. I think he even gets frustrated as he wants to fix it and he can't. So he gets annoyed when I cry or share my fears/concerns. Don't get me wrong. He is there for me always. But the emotional end of it makes him feel useless. So I try not to bring it to him. But that's hard too.

And another big part of these feelings is I am terrified. My left arm has started hurting and going numb. I just had surgery for this in October. Really? Can't I get a freaking break? Originally as I had a bruise as well we thought maybe I knocked it really hard and it was just bruised and irritated. But as more time goes on and it continues to be numb and hurt. I am truly terrifed. I don't even know if I call my surgeon or my regular doctor or what. I just want to crawl up somewhere and cry. And as an added bonus. Due to being so stressed, I assume about this whole not getting pregnant thing, my egzyme has come back. Not full force, but pretty good. Jimmy calls it Jungle Rot. Thanks hon. Love you too. I just need to snap out of it. Get back into a positive routine including working out and eating healthier. I might think about finally learning how to quilt. I have always wanted to and I got a sewing machine for Christmas. So the only thing stopping me is me.

I've started thinking alot about the future and other options for us. Fostering...adoption. Right now I am going to focus on getting our financial situation in a better way. I think in about a year we should be able to look at my working part time if we want to go that route. And that will open up alot more options for us. Whether we take advantage of the available funds or the available time. We'll be able to do alot more. But my biggest fear here is that we are not getting any younger. And pretty soon, we won't be eligible to do anything that requires the "system". But I guess we'll cross that bridge when/if we have to. I'm just trying to open my mind to what is out there and what means we might end up building our family through. Open heart :)


  1. so sorry sweetie....I know you probably are sick of hearing this, but it WILL happen for you...I just know it. You are in my thoughts :)