Update

So I had my uterus water ultrasound and vaginal ultrasound yesterday. First I get to the office and have to walk through the pediatric office and see all the little children playing. Then it must have been ultrasound day for all the expecting moms. Everyone and thier Mother (literally) were in the waiting room. So I sit in the crowd and try not to look at the bellies as I read my conception magazine. Till this voice next to me says, "When are you due?" Had to try and not cry as I explained that I am not. Then go in for the ultrasound and the tech pulls up my last one and asks me when that was and why and I explain it was done while I was miscarrying. She tries to close it out quickly with several apologies. So the good news is that all my lady bits are as they should be. The b/w showed that my progesterone level was good. My uterus is as it should be. No un-natural thickening. My ovaries are good, the tech even said that they are the exact same size, which is rare and extremely good. But the bad news is my lining is super thin. Meaning that the thryoid issue is preventing me from ovulating. So pregnancy right now is simpley out of the question. Until the thryoid is back on track...we are at a stand still. So I have to cancel my RE appointment as a result. Nothing they can do till my levels are back to normal. And I guess a normal range is 2.0 to 4.3 and I am at 7.9. So almost double the high end of the range. Not good I'm sure. I did have a teeny tiny cyst, but it appeared to have already burst. So she did not think it was a problem at all.

So now we wait till Friday and see what comes from that. I hope it's as simple as taking a small and inexpensive pill and I'm back on track in record time. Thinking I might try on our own once this is handled to see if that truly was the problem prior to seeing the RE. We are going to have to pay OOP for everthing, so it might benefit us to try alittle first. We'll see.

We did have two sweets things occur recently amongst all this crap. Our families were over for James 8th birthday on Sunday. My grandfather comes up to me and says, "If you aren't getting pregnant on your own, is there a special doctor you can see to help you about that, or is that just it?" So I explain about REs and that I have an appointment coming up (this is the day before the thyroid results so I was still on in my mind at the time). I explain that it's very expensive and we have been pushing it back since we really can't afford it. He tells me to keep him posted, but that if money is all that is keeping him from his great grandchild, then I'm to forget all about that and he will make it happen. I was so shocked and touched I burst into tears. Then Jimmy and his Dad were talking yesterday and he asked him about my appointment and if I was sick. Jimmy explained about my thyroid. His Dad asked if it was affecting us getting pregnant. Jimmy explained that it was. So his Dad tells him, "If it doesn't happen for you, you know you can always adopt. And we will absolutely help you to make that happen!". We are so very blessed to have these amazing and generous people in our lives!!

I also had a little sad moment last night. We were watching Dog the Bounty Hunter of all things and the daughter goes into labor. Jimmy got teary eyed and said he couldn't watch it and left the room. Sometimes I forget that it's not just me who is hurt daily by all this. My sweet husband is suffering as well. It breaks my heart even more!!

::sigh::

So the temp drop and flat line and non-recalled temps were actually my body going nuts. Those temps were accurate!! So I ended up at the OBs office yesterday. I truly believed that I was pregnant. Everything about my body was saying I was pregnant except those damn HPTs that kept saying NEGATIVE. Bastards. So I broke down and went in to to have a beta done. She also examined me and scheduled an ultrasound for tomorrow to check for cysts. But in the meantime she took a ton of blood. I guess checking for some other things as well as the beta. So I find out today that my thyroid levels are elevated. Which can cause ALL the symptons I have so lovingly assumed were pregnancy symptoms. It can also affect me staying fat even when I am good and work out and eat right. It can explain the exhaustion. The emotions. It can also, sadly and most frustratingly cause me to not get pregnant. I just want to cry again and again and again!!

I really am starting to think that my body officially hates me. I think it gets up in the morning and holds a meeting. Each body part announces thier status. Eye...on meds thanks...good to go. Back...had surgery...good for now. And then if no one is signed up for that day to have problems someone volunteers. Because apparently we can not have all systems working at the same time. I guess the thyroid spoke up first this time. I told Jimmy that we should just take me out in the backyard and shoot me like a lame horse. I have outlived my usefullness. He told me I had to stick around long enough to get a good insurance policy in place first. You've got to love that man!!

Huh answered...

So I figured out that the low temps were due to a flat lined thermometer. I bought a new one. It's supposed to have last temp recall. But if I don't check it right away it tells me 97.7, my test temp when I first bought it. Stupid pieces of crap. Guess someone is trying to tell me to take a temp break, huh?

Huh.

So I took my temp this morning and it was 96.80. In the 19 months I have been temping it has never been this low at this point in my cycle. In fact I have never seen that number outside of my O day. I am dying to see what happens next!!

8DPO

Half way through the 2ww. I'm torturing myself with testing or not on Friday, 11DPO and ::sigh:: my 38th birthday. Not sure how I feel about it...guess I'll just have to see how I feel that morning. My temp is way up. Jimmy is still asking me every day about my temp and what it means. He's so cute :) I love this new, involved husband. God, I love that man!!

Temp up...

So last night might have been the last night of our sexual Olympics. I'm so proud of Jimmy for so actively participating this time. Not leaving it all up to me. We had some really fun and crazy sex. I would have to say that our sex life is getting better and better. IF is not going to spoil that for us. I love him too much...and thank God we enjoy each other too much :) But man, I'm exhausted. Last night I told him to get in the room and make it happen. That I didn't have the energy for anything but a quicky. 30 minutes isn't what I would call quick...but we got the job done. My temp rose this morning. So we have done all we can do...let the 2ww begin!

Wordless Wednesday

Coming back into the light...

I've been struggling hard lately. First. In April, I had my second miscarriage. Jimmy and I decided not to tell anyone. I think for me, I could not handle all the "poor Heather" looks again. I felt like everyone knew the first time and it was so horrible. But then the following month. I get my period. The same day, my little sister calls and tells me she is pregnant with her second. And she is due almost the exact say day I would have been. That was a tough one. I slipped into a dark place for awhile there. And everyone thought I was just upset that I had not gotten pregnant that month. Ah, the irony. And while all this is going on. My Dad, after 44 years of marriage...leaves my Mom. Walks right out the door. I guess there has been an affair going on for a year now. I can't wrap my mind around it all. I feel some days like a hero died. I feel so bad for them both. I know I shouldn't feel bad for my Dad. He made these decisions. He put us all in this place. But he's my Dad and he's sad. And I hate seeing that regardless. My little brother told him he will never speak or see him again. Saturday was Mom's birthday and he stopped by and it was so painful to watch. I had to walk away. My life has changed and I just have no control over it. It's just plain horrible and I hate it.

But I had a lovely weekend with a perfect date night on Friday. Some special time with Jimmy on Saturday morning. Then got to spend the day with my Mom for her birthday. Jimmy and James joined us for dinner as well as some other family. We had the most delishious Chinese/sushi dinner. I am still enjoying it in my head :) Sunday James and I joined my Mom at church. Then I got to take a nap while the boys saw Iron Man 2. We headed to the library for bedtime reading material and finished up with some family time at home. It really renewed my spirit and started me back onto a better path. I'm walking in the light again. It's a beautiful view...