Dreams...

Jimmy had my dream. He told me that he dreamt that I was pregnant. We go to the u/s and they tell us it's twins!! I started giggling so hard that the tech couldn't do her job. She was all set to reprimand me, till she saw his horrified face and started to giggle with me. My dream...Jimmy's nightmare!

I keep telling him that this time will be different; this time he will not be a single Dad. We're doing this together. We've got each other's back in this as in everything in life.

He still looks horrified at the mention of twins, and I still giggle every time :)

Waiting...

I have truly come to believe that life is all about waiting. You are always looking to the next "thing". Be it good or bad. Right now I'm waiting for the Surgical PA to call me. I'm waiting to find out how long I have to wait to have my surgery. Whether it's going to mean a longer TTC break than I had originally thought. I am so disappointed. But I know I need to do what I need to do to make me better. But come on. I am 37 years old!! I don't even know if I can get pregnant because I haven't even really been able to try. I had to get past BCPs, now I'm on hold while my medicine is given a chance to work. Next it's going to be surgery. Waiting to have it, then waiting while I heal. Then...could it be possible? Coule I possible be able to try and bring the biggest dream of my life to fruition? Seriously? I'm going to be allowed to even try and get pregnant. Nothing else is going to get in the way? I am so crossing my fingers for that...it's been WAY too long already. I am not a patient woman, and I swear God loves to taunt me with this lesson time and time again. Okay, I get the message. But I also think it's been beaten to death and it should be time...time to allow for the possibility. Time to bring our own miracle into this world. Time to create life...PLEASE...

Argh...

I got AF after a very short cycle AGAIN. I guess I better start charting more seriously even though we aren't TTc right now, but so I can see if I have concerns with short LPs or where my cycle is going wonky. Okay...back to charting for me. Bought a new pink BBT thermostat. So I am prepared and ready to rumble. Watch out AF, I'm on your ass girl and prepared to get you to tow the line.

Why...

is my family falling apart?? First we get the news that my Dad has prostate cancer. He is now two weeks into his eight week radiation stint. Next on Sunday my sister hears a pop in her back and can not move. Taken to the emergency room by ambulance. Surgery on Tuesday after no feeling in her legs. Wednesday things looked good, she could wiggle her toes and was in very good spirits. Yesterday (Thursday) she takes a turn for the worse. Having trouble breathing, vomitting all food up, violent headache. Checked for blood clots. None found. Issues remain unsolved or diagnosed. No visitors allowed in to see her at all. Not even during the very limited ICU visiting hours. Mom heads down anyway and Michielle and I are heading out today after working partial days. I pray that we can see her. I pray that they find the cause of her discomfort and she can begin to heal. That she is released soon so she can be comfortable at home and see her girls who are too young to go into ICU. I'm sure she's really missing them. I personally now have to have a similar surgery, but on my neck (at the base near back). The numbness is not improving beyond the pin prickles going away. The numbness is there going strong. I am at the point where I can't do buttons or put earring backs on. Too small and I don't have the control over my hand to master it. The pain is back in my left shoulder and arm. It has gotten worse. The PM doctor said that it was a pretty severe case and if the meds didn't work or it got worse, the only remaining option is surgery. I have put in calls to the office to find out (a) what is the name of the surgery they will be doing on me and (b) who they are referring me to. I would like to do research on both for my own (and DH's) peace of mind. But also so they can get the referral into the surgeon's office and I can get on thier books to see him/her. DH asked if me I was going to wait till 2010 as we have a crap load of stuff going on at the end of this year. I told him I would love to, but I don't know if I can live like this much more. It's gone on too long and I'm exhausted and just want to feel better. I don't think it's too much to ask. Unfortunately, since the doctor's office has not returned any of my calls, I may not have a say in the matter. I hate waiting on returned calls, so frustrating. But fingers crossed. And right now, I'm too focused on worrying about Danielle to even think about what is to come...

Cant' wait...

tonight a bunch of my family is getting together for a game night and appetizers. I feel like we get to see each other so infrequently that I am really excited to hang out. I hope that everyone is in a good mood. If they are...it could be an amazing night. One couple fighting or two individuals in bad moods and the whole thing could be a nightmare. I know Jimmy and I will not be the couple fighting and I plan to grin and laugh about anything stupid that my over tense sister might say to me. I started blowing her off about the same time her husband fired her for being a pain in the ass from thier PT job. That should tell you something. But I am remaining optomistic that it's going to be like old times. I can't wait to create more memories with everyone! Since we moved to Florida and some stayed in Illinois and some moved further south in Florida, we don't get together much. So this should be good times. Fingers crossed.

I found this circa 1988 picture of the four girls (that's me on the left!) that will be there tonight with thier families and our parents...

Well Hell...

so I got AF...and at 6 DPO....thought I was past this shiit when BCPs finally left my system. Apparently this is going to be an ongoing issue for me. I can not believe it. I cried for a few minutes as I had convinced myself that my cramps and spotting were inplantation bleeding. Yeah...I know...but I couldn't help myself. So AF was a major disappointment. But then I reminded myself that I was not trying and am not supposed to be KU right now. So it is for the best. Then moped about my short LP phase. Then told myself that it will all work out and finally got on with my life. Back to planning for a Vegas Baby...

So umm...

we were supposed to be TTA. But in the heat of the moment, DH decided to just see if it was meant to be!! Okay. So now I'm in the 2ww that I did not think I would be in for a few more months. Not sure what to think or how to "root" in this situation. Still adjusting to the possibility for now. I'll deal with the results when they come...

James would be thrilled. He asks me DAILY if I am pregnant and if he is going to have a brother or sister soon. I try and get him to understand that even if I was pregnant, there would be 9 more months till he would actually meet the baby. And that I'm not even pregnant. Seven year olds do not understand waiting 9 hours for something...forget the concept of 9 months. Oh well. I'm glad he's so excited about it. I pray that he will continue to be excited once that baby is actually here. Taking attention away from him. Crying in the night when he needs/wants to be sleeping. Sharing. He's been the only child for a LONG time. And not just with Daddy and Mama, but with Nani and Pa as well. He is the only grandchild on Daddy's side at this point. I think he'll do amazing...I pray he'll remain excited...I hope we get to find out!

Finally...

done with the shot procedures. Now I just cross my fingers that when I'm all finished, the pain is gone and I am done for good. Or at least a LONG time. I do have to thank DH for being the most amazing person E.V.E.R. He was there for me every minute the last couple of days and the previous days. If I didn't already love him completely...this would hav cinched it for him...tee hee. I am one lucky girl. He even painted and rearranged our bedroom furniture while I was done and it somehow managed to make the space larger. I don't know how it's possible...but it is and I am loving it. I love the brown we went with on the walls, goes so well with our earth tones we have throughout the house. And it makes the orange in the woodwork really pop. Jimmy wants to keep the armoire red, but I want to do it another fun color. Like orange. Or something along those lines. But I did get permission to bring my hat lamp into the bedroom and I am so excited. DH hates it...but I love it and have missed it. Mom gave us a push to have all our stuff out of thier garage soon. We have been putting it off thinking we would be selling pretty quick and moving into a bigger house where it would fit better...but that isn't happening in this market, so we might as well find spots for them now. So I can enjoy them and Mom can not have them in the way. So I"m getting my piano back...whoop...Jimmy is refinishing it and it's going to be gorgeous...he does such amazing work, I can't wait. And I get my lamp back. And my old dresser that he is going to refinish for the nursery. But we'll find a spot for now :) All these lovelies from my past that I haven't seen in awhile...I can't wait. Have to get rid of a thing or two, but that's okay too. I haven't missed the rocking chair one bit and really want to get a big fat cushy one for the nursery anyway...the wood one was not in my plans. So let's find it a home where it will be loved and cherished, not stacked in a garage collecting dust and being forgotten.